Lullaby

Listening to this song over and over as the Spirit of God washes over me, and speaks to me the things that only He and I know. How people get through life without God and  the Holy Spirit, I don't know.


Have you lost your way?
Do you think you'll get it back again?
Did you find something in the rubble of your memory?

It's a mystery
That through a death I found my life again
And in suffering I found a key that I had thrown away

And now I've started it up
And I filled up my cup
And now I'm lost in your love
And it's more than a memory

And now I've started again
And what I thought was the end
Was another beginning from here to eternity

So here we are
Flesh and bone and spirit lifted up
And that's everything
You've ever needed and it's all you've got
All we've got

Hallelujah

Learning to Trust God is a Process

I am finally having the time I have needed to come face-to-face with some things today. I have known for awhile that I had sorta fallen asleep spiritually. Nothing felt the same, I wasn't talking to God nearly as much as I used to, and I had just shut down. Today, God brought the reason to light. He showed me that what I was doing was having a fear response to what was going on in my life. And instead of dealing with it, I had just retreated. Away from Him, away from worship, away from really talking about what I was feeling. I had started "going through the motions" of life, which is something I never want to do. I was in such a hurry to be sure I "had faith and didn't show the devil one sign of weakness", that I had totally cut myself off from help from the Lord. Christians are so often told not to "speak things into existence", that we don't talk about what is bothering us. We don't tell people how much we are hurting, so that they have an opportunity to pray for us specifically.We have such a phobia of "fear" that we deny that it exists in our lives. In our efforts to appear to be the "perfect Christian" to everyone else, we end up failing God completely. All He wants is us....our faults, our fears, our failures. He didn't call us to be perfect, He just called us to be His. To trust Him with everything that comes our way.

So, today, I am going to lay these fears before God, and allow Him to work in these situations. I am going to go to the One who can help me, the One who already knows everything I am feeling. Maybe I can hide from everyone else, but not from Him. I am going to pour out the pain, fear, and shame....and stop trying to deal with it myself. And then, I am going to leave those things there with Him. I am going to trust Him to take care of me, no matter how bad things might look at times. And I am going to know that even if He doesn't answer my prayers the way I think He should, He has my best interests at heart. He will never let me down, He will never leave me nor forsake me. I have a great reward waiting for me one day, and the best part of that day will be seeing Him. He will be worth it all.

Update

Obviously a lot has been going on, since I have not blogged since August! I am having a VERY busy year at school, we are constantly busy with the church between leading the youth and choir, AND Baby Number 2 is due in April! :) I have been very sick and tired, so blogging has been at the bottom of my priority list.

This past weekend was my birthday, and it was a wonderful weekend. On Friday, my students, school parents, and para blessed me with cupcakes, cookies, snacks, lotions, candles, a blanket, gift cards, etc. I ended up having to go home from school early, because I got very sick. My OB sent me home for the rest of the day after I went in to see him. I slept the rest of the day, and then went out to dinner with my family and Nena. :) My husband had beautiful flowers sent to me at work, too.

Saturday, I got my hair cut and a FREE eyebrow wax. I got to do some shopping, and my mom cleaned my WHOLE house! Then, my sweet hubby cooked dinner, and Mom did my dishes.....that allowed me to get some rest that evening. Church on Sunday was wonderful, then we had lunch with Pastor and Ms. Linda. I received some more gift cards from friends, and a couple of wonderful phone calls from family. It was a very blessed birthday, and I enjoyed it very much.
There is so much more I need to update on, but time won't allow me right now. Be back soon....I hope!

Lazy Blogger

Wow, I have been the laziest blogger! No, actually, I have been the busiest lady. School has begun, and I have a very challenging class. I am coming home completely exhausted, doing what has to be done here at home, and passing out cold early every night. Hannah has been very sick, but she is doing much better now. I am looking forward to dinner with my little fam tonight, then hopefully a VERY uneventful Saturday, and a great day at church on Sunday. I need to rest up for next week, when it all begins again.

God has really been moving in our worship services, and I am amazed at His presence and the way He pours out His spirit each time. But of course-new level, new devil. We have been hit over and over again lately, but are glad to know that we have the victory in Jesus' name! Hope everyone has a great weekend, and hopefully I will be able to post more regularly soon.

Keep My Life

Show me Your way
Whatever it takes to change
I see what's new
Looking at how far I've come
Here is my life
Don't let me forget the way
Here is my life
I can't afford to stay the same

Keep my soul
Keep my spirit
Keep my life
Moving forward

Thank You

Thank You, Lord for today.
Thank You for sparing our pastor.
Thank You for making him well.
Thank You for not letting me be in the service when he collapsed.
Thank You for not letting Hannah see her precious Poppy Green be wheeled out of church on a stretcher.
Thank You for giving us more time with him....to love him, to learn from him.
Thank You for giving us the chance last Sunday to let him know how much we love and appreciate him, and thank You for not letting it be the last chance we get.
Thank You for giving me a chance to tell him that he makes me feel more like his daughter than just another member of his church.
Thank You for giving us a pastor who preaches Your word with no reservations, who teaches us what You want us to learn.
Thank You for Pastor Green's life, it means so much to me.

Let the Waters Rise

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

I Have To Believe

I have to believe


That He sees my darkness

I have to believe

He knows my pain

I have to lift up

My hands to worship

Worship His name

I have to declare

That He is my refuge

I have to deny

That I am alone

I have to lift up

My eyes to the mountain

It's where my help comes from

Oh yeah

He said that He's forever faithful

He said that He's forever true

He said that He can move mountains

If He can move mountains

He can move my mountain

He can move your mountain, too

Oh, I have to stand tall

When the wind blows me over

I have to stand strong

When I'm weak and afraid

I have to grab hold

Ahold of the garments

The garments of praise

I know, I know, I know

Cause He said that He's forever faithful

And He said that He's forever true

He said that He can move mountains

If He can move mountains

He can move my mountain

He can move your mountain, too

I have to sing praise

When the hour is midnight

He unlocks these chains

That bind up my soul

My sin and my shame

He has forgiven and made me whole

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Cause He said that He's forever faithful

And He said that He's forever true

He said that He can move mountains

He said that He can move mountains

He said that He can move mountains

If He can move mountains

He can move my mountain

He can move your mountain, too

I have to believe

I have to believe

He's got everything under control

I have to believe

Lord, I believe

Help my unbelief

I have to believe in You

What A Privilege

Just wanted to say that it is such a privilege to be home with my child for this many weeks in a row! I have worked all school year and all summer every year since she was born until now. I feel like the most blessed woman on the planet to have this time with her. God is so good to me!

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength

These last couple of days have been wonderful, after a few really bad days. I had really been struggling since Friday when I received some bad news. It seemed as though the pain of my past was starting all over again. My dreams, my calling, my future....everything was in question. Saturday, I went to prayer meeting at church, and laid on my face crying out for God to help me. I KNEW that the devil should not be taking over my thoughts, my heart, and my emotions...but he was doing it. It was also bringing up pain that I had not dealt with when I lost my dear friends Steve and Margaret this year. I mourned for the first few days after I got that call, but then shoved it down. This recent heartbreak just brought all of that unresolved grief back to the surface. So, I sat on the floor at the church and cried like it was the first day they left us. I didn't even have the words to say to the Lord. There was a song playing though, and it said "I long to bring a smile to Your face". I said to God, "You know that's all I want to do." He whispered back, "Who says you're not?". Somehow, this news had brought with it a sense that I had failed...myself, my family, God. He was just letting me know that was not the case. After that, we had a wonderful banner practice, and decided we were ready to minister the next day.

When I returned home, I had a rough day. I couldn't get motivated to do anything, and tried to take a nap. Nap didn't happen, so I laid on the couch and watched a movie, and finally snapped out of it when Daniel insisted I go to the store with him. Then, we had dinner with his parents, and went for a drive afterward. Sunday though, was my true turning point. The Spirit of the Lord was with us from banner practice to choir practice, and through the entire service. Had I not been leading one particular song, I would have been on my knees on that stage. God was doing a work, and not just in me. The message was a difficult one about how sometimes things that happen to us are punishments that are set in motion by our disobedience, but that sometimes, bad things happen to make us (and our character) stronger. To show us (and the devil) where we really are in our relationships with God. I went down to the altar, and began praying about what I was going through. Pastor came and prayed for me, and prayed the EXACT thing I had just asked the Lord for. He asked that the joy of the Lord would overtake me. God has been doing just that ever since.

God gave me countless opportunities to talk with people I love and trust, to be encouraged by them. We had lunch with my mom and stepdad. We had dinner with our church family at a fundraiser that night. We had a wonderful 4th of July yesterday as a family. I began reflecting on everything I do have, instead of the things I won't have just yet because of what happened. I read a wonderful book today, "Heaven is for Real". It's about a little boy who nearly died when he was four years old, had an out of body experience, and went to Heaven. His accounts of Heaven will blow you away....awesome. That reminded me of my ultimate future, and of all I have to look forward to. Hannah had some potty training success, and we had some wonderful mother/daughter time today. She is just the most precious little person the Lord ever created. As her mother, I am slightly biased, I'm sure. I was walking through my house tonight, and just hearing the Lord speak to me about my blessings, and about being content where I am in life right now, and knowing that He has a plan for me. I thank God for taking back control of my mind and my heart, and silencing the voice of the enemy. God is in control of my life, and His voice of truth is the only one I will listen to and believe in.

Thankful

I am just SO thankful. God knew I needed to see something I have placed my hand to succeed right about now. So, He helped me to persevere today, and continue patiently teaching my child about using the potty. Then tonight, SHE DID IT! She got off the potty about seventy times to "go see Daddy", she walked around doing the "chicken dance", but kept coming back. I sat and read her a book, and she FINALLY peed in the potty. She has used the potty with my mom, and with my friend Diana...but not with me. I am SO proud of my little sweetie. I think she and I both needed that success, now we can keep working consistently on this. And, I can stop feeling like I must be "doing it wrong". I know it seems crazy, but at one point a few weeks ago, I was distraught over this. I just felt like she was never going to learn because I didn't know what to do. As a mother, I was at a loss, and it was SO upsetting to me. Thank You, Lord. This means so much.

Thought for the Day

Why are you afraid of what will come of your life? God knew who He was creating, and He designed you for a specific work. God will ensure your success in accordance with His plan, not yours. Francis Chan

I am in potty training land once again, so not much time to expound on this thought. But, I think it speaks for itself. It sure spoke to me. :)

I Will Not Be Moved

I have been the wayward child


I have acted out

I have questioned Sovereignty

And had my share of doubt

And though sometimes my prayers feel like

They're bouncing off the sky

The hand I hold won't let me go

And is the reason why...

I will stumble

I will fall down

But I will not be moved

I will make mistakes

I will face heartache

But I will not be moved

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand

All other ground is sinking sand

I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart

Many times before

My life has been like broken glass

And I have kept the score

Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed

That I was far too gone

My brokenness helped me to see

It's grace I'm standing on


And the chaos in my life

Has been a badge I've worn

Though I have been torn

I will not be moved

Until You Move Me, I'll Be Still

Take my heart
Lord will you take my heart
As I surrender to Your will
I confess You are my righteousness
And until You move me I'll be still
And know that You are God.
You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world in Your hands and
I am amazed at Your love
I am amazed that You love me
You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world in Your hands and
I'm not afraid my world is safe
In Your Hands
Take my life
Lord will You take my life
You are the reason that I live
I believe You have forgiven me
And by Your grace I will forgive
And know that You are God
And know that You are God
You won't let go of me
You won't let go of me
You won't let go of me
You won't let go Never let go
You will take care of me
You will take care of me
You will take care of me
***Ever felt like you saw your valley coming to an end, only to find out that you're still in the middle of it? Yeah, that's me. But on one hand, as I reflect on God and what He's brought me through, and where He's brought me to-I am glad I am still in the struggle. I have come to know Him in such a life-changing way, that I don't want to go back to Easy Street. If I did, I might not feel this connection to Him that I have now, that is stronger than anything the devil could do to me. The thing that gives me joy and peace, when the world says I have no reason to feel any of that. In my weakness, He is made strong. When I am broken, He moves closer to me. When I am down, I can feel His very breath on my skin, hear Him whisper to my heart. He is there to comfort me, and His sheer presence takes my breath away. I feel no sorrow, no pain, no fear in His presence. And I can't get enough of that God-breathing, soul-stirring, life-changing glory of God. I want to be drenched in His presence. So, in this difficult time, I will be still and know that He is God.

No Matter What

One of my favorite songs has a line that says "no matter what I still love You, and I'm gonna need You". I used to tell God that I needed Him. I need You to...x,y, and z. I need You for this hour, because I am going through something. But, as I prayed the other day, I realized one of the reasons that God allowed the season in my life that I have been through the last two years. I prayed to Him, and I didn't say I need You to do this and do that. I said, "I need You. That's it, I just need You." Sure there are things I need God to do, but more than anything I just need Him in my life. His breath, His presence, His love. If I don't have that, I really don't have anything. I have finally realized that He is truly ALL that I need. I am finally in a place where the only thing I am desperate for is His presence in my life. I know that no matter what comes, if I have God, I will be just fine. I trust and know that He is working in my life no matter what the circumstances might be. That's a giant leap for me, folks! Trust is a major issue in my life, just ask my poor hubby.

There are some things that I am waiting on, and people ask me how I am going to feel if those things don't happen. I am finally in a place in my life where I can say that if God doesn't give me what I am asking for, He has something better planned for me. It might not even be better according to my view of things, but it will be better according to His will for my life, and what He has purposed for me to do. My view of life is small, and many times it is very much about what I want. His view encompasses my whole life, and His will for me, and includes how I can help others. That is what my heart is seeking above my dreams, desires, comfort, and wants. When I take my last breath, I want to know that I made a difference in this world for His name and for His glory. That is how I am measuring success in my life, because I know that is what He saved me for.

Reminder

Just wanted to document this morning so I can cut myself some slack when I wanna go to bed at 7 pm sometimes....lol. I got up this morning at 7:30, and couldn't fall back asleep. So, I got up and ate breakfast, then....

went and got Hannah from her bed
changed diaper
made her milk cup
stripped beds and washed sheets
ironed church clothes for me, picked out clothes for Hannah
took out meat for dinner
helped hubby pack lunch for work
sent e-mail to my boss, received reply
texted Mom
made Hannah's breakfast
uploaded lake pix
wrote and mailed thank you note
worked on grocery list for tomorrow

ALL of this before 9 o'clock! 

Home

I am home. I am refreshed, yet exhausted....so funny. There are so many moments I would love to share (and pictures, too). But for now, I am just going to soak in the bliss of being once again grateful for my home....really, really grateful for what I have. And grateful for a vacation filled with laughter, tears, family, fun, and a little stretching. God, You overwhelm me.

Post Edit

Had to add "take Hannah to pediatrician" to my list. Luckily, she's fine! :) This crazy smoke is getting to her just like it is everyone else. Everything else is done! Ready to head out of town NOW. Can't stand the waiting anymore...lol. After this first month of summer that has been filled with hospital time and LOTS of being concerned about my friends who are going through a lot of "stuff", I am ready to feel the wind in my hair as the boat glides across the water. Ready for the warm sunshine and the cool lake water. Ready for laughter and doing little more than breathing in the fresh air and enjoying my family. In a little over 12 hours, we will be getting on the road. Ahhhh, vacation! :)

Today's To Do List

Checked off list...

breakfast
tea
phone calls
emails
banner team practice schedule
banner team CDs
children's drama (1/2 done anyway)
laundry

Still to do....

finish packing
make lunch/clean up lunch
install portable DVD player in car
straighten house
pay bills
buy milk
Get on the road tomorrow, get to PTC, and FINALLY relax! :)

Wondering

This morning, I am wondering.

Wondering just how much rain it's gonna take to get rid of this awful smoke.

Wondering why I couldn't sleep last night.

Wondering my child asks for breakfast every morning, then proceeds to stare at it rather than eat it.

Wondering what we are going to get into today, Daddy gets to plan the whole day. :)

Wondering when I am gonna get that phone call I am waiting on.

Wondering why my stuff cannot just jump into my suitcase so we will be ready for vacation.

Wondering what God's gonna do in the service tomorrow.

Wondering how my Granny is doing today....she went home yesterday!

Wondering why I am on Blogspot instead of washing the mound of dishes in my sink.

Happy Saturday, all!