Out of Control

I know this is totally random, but as I read Angie Smith's blog, I had an epiphany. I just realized why I HAVE to measure when I cook. And why I HATE flying. I like to be in control! Everything has to be a certain way, so I measure exactly. I hate flying because I am not in control of this huge plane that is flying miles up into the sky, and then dropping me back down to Earth while I white-knuckle the arm rest. No wonder God has so much trouble with me. I want everything to be done by me, my way. He is merciful and wonderful in the way that He loves me and teaches me. Wednesday night the youth had an amazing service. Daniel didn't preach, but the Holy Spirit sure did. We were singing "Wrap Me in Your Arms", and I just felt like I needed to move out of my spot. That I needed to walk around the altar area and pray. I fought and fought and fought. Finally, I did it. Once I was obedient to God, He took control of the service. But, I didn't want to do it. It wasn't inside of the box, it wasn't expected, it wasn't what I was "supposed" to do. I am so glad I listened to Him, though.

God began to move in that place, and speak to me about all kinds of things. One of the things though, was that I had been worrying about my performance at my new job. I wanted everything to be perfect, and I was again, trying to do it all myself! God began speaking to me about trusting Him to give me favor on this job, trusting Him to show me how to do what needed to be done. I am also guilty of putting things into "compartments" or "boxes". God can help me at church and in my family, but He doesn't belong in my teaching career, He doesn't know anything about teaching. Excuse me? He knows EVERYTHING! He created everything!

He also challenged me to play out all of the "what-ifs" that Satan has tried to use to trap me and keep me afraid. He said, "what if you lose this job? What if this is only for a season? What do you think is going to happen, that I am going to leave you out there to fend for yourself? I didn't the last time, I won't now. I will be everything that you need. If you need a job, I will be your job. If you need a paycheck, I'll be your paycheck. If you need a friend, I will be your friend. If you need a father, I'm your father. If you need a husband, I will be your husband. I will be your child. I will be your provider. I will fill every void within your life, and I will never leave you. You can trust me!"

All this time I thought I did trust God, but evidently I was still holding out on Him. That's why this job situation has been so important. Once I realized God was really all I had, I realized He was all I needed. And it has taught me to really trust Him. I am so grateful, tears come to my eyes constantly. I can't stop thanking Him, I can't stop wanting to see more of what this beautiful God is all about. I have realized I've only begun to scratch the surface.