Venting and Thanks

Things I don't like....

Gabrielle's baby passing away.
Abby having multiple seizures.
Scott passing away and the pain that brings to Laura.
My job situation.
The questioning and wondering that has gone on in the faith of many friends who have been attacked.
My own questioning and wondering.
Foreclosure and bankruptcy that has become a part of the lives of several people I care about.
Pain, pain, pain.
The enemy coming in and trying to wreck my home and take peace away from us.
Lisa and Jennie being in the hospital.
Subs....myself and my friends.....losing their jobs.
Seeing what the enemy is doing to the young people of our church.

Things I do like....

Knowing that God is still in control.
Praying and believing that God can and will answer every prayer.
Having wonderful friends who bless my life and are such a comfort to me.
Lisa and Jennie are now out of the hospital. :)
God's word.
Songs that glorify God.
The job opportunities that have come up this week.
The things that I am learning from all of these trials in my life.
Seeing my friends and family blessed by God.
Love, love, love.
The blessings that God has bestowed on us, seeing how He has brought us through this past year. He does things that man cannot do!

At A Loss

I am just at a loss for words. I got word this afternoon that a friend of mine whose baby was born yesterday, is now grieving the loss of that baby. Landen was having difficulty from the beginning, but we all truly believed that he was going to make it. His lungs were not able to receive the oxygen they needed, and he passed early this morning. The mom is my friend Gabrielle. She is a precious, sweet lady. She is the sister of a guy I dated years ago who is now a friend of mine. Gabrielle loved and looked up to me. She called me her sister, and always told me she wanted me to marry her brother. All of that seems silly now that I am a married mother and all of that, but the point is-she means a lot to me. And the thought of her laying in that hospital bed having to mourn her child just breaks my heart. It breaks my heart to hear of anyone going through that, but when it's someone you know it really hits home.

This has been a rough period of time for a lot of people I care a lot about. It's been a rough period of time for me. And in all of this, I am looking for God and finding Him. He is still there. He is still moving, He is still healing, He is still strong and sovereign and loving. Even when prayers go unanswered and we truly don't understand why. Please pray for Gabrielle, JT, and their families. This loss is a really devastating one. I am asking God to comfort, uplift, and speak to each person who is touched by this tragedy. I know that He will.

It's Not About Me

One of the things that stuck with me from Scott's funeral is that always he said "It's not about me." He totally understood that, and it showed. In his ministry, in his family, in his whole life. He understood the importance of sacrificing all that we are for our calling. He did what the Scripture said and "denied himself".

God is teaching me that so much lately. I hear the whisper of it in many situations I face, in my relationships with people, and on my job. It's not about me. This life is not about me, my faith is not about me...it's all about Him. I should be focused on His purpose, His plan, His will for me.

Yesterday I started feeling this odd aching sensation in my stomach again. I have been feeling that alot since Scott passed away. And I thought it was grief....I believe some of it is. But it's more than that. It's more than the pain of losing a friend and questioning everything about my faith because of that. It's more than losing my job last year. It's more than not being able to pay my bills. It's more than watching the devil ravage the lives of our young people and feeling powerless to stop him. It's a hunger. But it's not a hunger for food, at least not physical food. I realized that I was aching inside for God. I need Him to come and not just work in my situations, but work in my heart and in my walk with Him. I want to commune with Him, I want to be everything that He wants me to be. I want to think like He does, speak like He does, love like He does. I want to see my life and the lives of others, the way He sees it. I want to walk in deep, intimate friendship with Him-more than I ever have before. I am seeing Him take the pain and stress of what has happened over the last year and make it into something good. He is using what the devil meant for destruction...He is using it for my good.

Last night at revival, I began to pray. I prayed that if God wanted me to prayed for by Brother John, that I would be. But I told Him that more anything, I wanted to be touched by Him. I didn't want to have someone pray for me and lie on the floor in His presence, then stand up and go back to life as usual. I want to be touched by Him in a way that I am NEVER the same. I guess what I was asking Him for is an encounter with His glory. For His presence to be so strong that I can barely breathe, let alone speak. I am waiting for that.

Brother John didn't come and pray for me, but I did feel the presence of God and I heard God speak to me. They asked for 7 women who were full of the Holy Spirit to come and pray for this girl who has been sick. And then Brother John said something that really caught my attention. He said "Don't you go and pray for her unless you really believe she can be healed." And I hesitated. I have really struggled with the issue of healing since Scott died. I prayed for him to be healed, I believed in it, I spoke about it in front of our church....and it didn't happen. Then I felt hurt, betrayed, and confused. I have been on a journey with the Holy Spirit ever since about this issue...and last night I had my breakthrough. I knew that God intended for me to pray for that girl, so I went. I was terrified and thought "God I don't know what to say, obviously I don't know how to pray for people to be healed." And as I went down there and began to pray for her, God began to minister to me at the same time. I have always felt like I wasn't worthy to lay hands on someone and prayed for them to be healed. But the Word gives us the authority as believers to do that, and God said to me last night "It's not about you." This person's healing or anyone else's for that matter, are not about how well you pray or your ability to do anything for them. It's all about what God can do, and about you being the willing vessel to reach out and pray for them. HE DOES THE WORK, we just believe. He healed something in me last night, and showed me some truths through that situation. As far as why He doesn't answer sometimes when we pray for someone's healing, I am still asking for help in understanding that.

But when the time comes, He will show me the answer for that question as well. Last night I stepped out in faith, just like God taught me through Scott's ministry and testimony. I believed in God's ability and prayed for that girl, and left the rest up to Him. That's all He asks us to do, because it's really not about us.

You Have Been There

Thinking of my friend Laura and what she is going through. I thought of her the other day as I heard this song. And it ministered to me in my situation as well. Thank You for being there for us, Lord.

I've heard the angels and I've seen the devil
Fought with the lion, sent through the fire
I've been in the valley when it was dry
Walked through the desert to the other side

I'm not a preacher and I'm not a hero
My life has never been that kind
But there is one thing that I hold onto
I am yours, and Lord you are mine

CHORUS
And through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just want to feel your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need a friend
And I find you waiting there for me

I've seen a widow cry through her sorrow
And still raise her hands in the midst of it all
And Lord I'm reminded when I was weary
You carried me, yes you carried me

CHORUS
And through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just want to feel your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need of a friend
And I find you waiting there.....

BRIDGE
In the midst of a struggle
There is one thing I know
You'll never leave me, no never alone

I've heard the angels and I've seen the devil
Fought with the lion, sent straight through the fire

CHORUS
And through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just want to feel your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need of a friend
And I find you waiting
And I find you waiting there for me

Waiting, I find you waiting there

Blessed

Dinner bought for us last night by a friend.
Large check for Hannah Bug to go shopping given by a family friend.
Dinner being bought for us tonight by family.

We are so blessed! :)

Jesus Paid It All

Today I am just sitting and reflecting on the way we relate to God. We "mess up" as we call it, and suddenly feel that all is lost. We are ashamed, as though our relationship with Him is now ruined and will not be able to be redeemed. But we forget that the journey is the whole point! Salvation is not an ending, but a beautiful beginning. We are going to fall....over and over again. But it's what we do in that moment that makes us who we are. It's what we do in that moment that shows the world-and God and ourselves-what we are truly made of. We don't need to feel ashamed.

These stumbles and falls are all a part of the walk of faith we are on. Jesus paid the price on the cross for us so that we could be redeemed. Not so we could go and sin anytime we wanted and never repent. But so that we could grow, change, and learn to be more like Him. I don't know about anyone else, but each time I have fallen-I have learned something from it. We are not meant to be perfect, we are simply meant to commune with God, learn from Him, and do His will on the Earth. When we don't get it quite right, we need to ask God what He wanted us to see about ourselves through that situation and how we can grow from it.

And we have heard the phrase "Jesus paid it all" so many times that I think we forget what that actually means. He paid for ALL of it. Not just the "big sins" as we call them, but the little ones that matter just as much. When we are impatient, rude, gossipy, self-serving. When we talk too much, pray too little, and can't seem to figure out why things aren't turning out right. He paid for that. His blood was shed so that we could be MORE than what we were when He found us. So, each time that you "fail" Him, ask Him to change your heart, so that next time you can handle the situation the way that He would. Always heed the conviction of the Holy Spirit, but never allow the devil to have a field day with you when you mess up. 

And be grateful that you are walking with the Lord, and that He is causing the Holy Spirit to convict you. Some people have ignored that voice so many times that they no longer hear it, or it is very faint.

Lately God has been showing me so many things that I thought were right, that were very wrong. I saw faith and salvation as so "black and white", cut and dried. I thought I understood the way the Lord thinks, but how could I? His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts. He doesn't spend so much time worrying about how I mess up or how often. He is more concerned with how I handle my mistakes and what I do afterward. Do I allow Him to show me a better way or do I continue trying to do it all myself? And I used to think that when I made a mistake I was so far away from God, but now I see that He often draws me closer during those times. So that He can reprove, rebuke, exhort....so that He can teach me a better way. Those are the moments when we are convicted and humbled, more ready to listen and much easier to teach.

Nothing Much

Nothing much to report except wonderful, busy life. I have been working, working, working-which is good. We didn't have choir practice Tuesday night, but I found plenty to do to keep me busy. Yesterday I had a lot of errands to run after work, and by the time I got Hannah home she was running a fever. So, we both missed church last night. I really think she is cutting her 1 year molars. She has been cranky and tired for a couple of days, and just seems agitated like she is in pain. She is also gnawing on everything and drooling a lot. Poor baby. I checked her temp before leaving for work today though, and it was normal. Tonight we are supposed to be having dinner with the Villelas, if Hannah is feeling up to it. And this weekend we really don't have anything planned.....yay! :) I love weekends like that, because we hardly ever have them. Happy Friday Eve, all!

Thankful

It's Tuesday Monday, the best kind of beginning to a week. I want to post a Thankfuls list because I am totally overwhelmed by what the Lord is doing in my life. The Scripture about God pouring out blessings that there would not be room enough to contain? It came to me this morning because that is what He is doing. And I am so glad about that, since I have felt like I was walking around in a fog lately.

1. Friends....friends...friends....they are such a blessing to my life!
2. Meals prepared for us or bought for us....overwhelming number of those lately!
3. Groceries being bought for us.
4. My husband....he is so good to me and Hannah.
5. Our extended family that is so full of wonderful people.
6. Getting to go to the movies last night and see something I really wanted to see.
7. Hannah's new personality traits that are emerging....some funny and some challenging. I love Motherhood! :)
8. TONS of sub jobs I have been getting lately.
9. Getting to see Laura last week....I miss her so much.
10. Revival is coming up next week.
11. God is teaching me so many things about myself, life, love, being a wife and mother, being a leader in our church, being His servant. He is totally rockin' my world right now and I just pray that He never stops speaking to me the way He is right now. It's so awesome!
12. The overwhelming sense of security I have in knowing who holds tomorrow.
13. The Valentine's Banquet was a success, and I am so grateful to God for that. We blessed and served our church people, and raised some money for our students in the process.
14. We had a wonderful Valentine's weekend.

Brother Scott

I don't know if it's the weather...or what. But I can't stop thinking today. Thinking, thinking, thinking. Maybe it's because I saw Laura last night. Or if it's that I have time to think, because I am home today. Scott and Laura both just will not leave my mind. I cried as I drove home last night because I was still looking for him at church. Then I felt guilty because I am sure that Laura struggles with that evey moment of every day. I have never taken someone's death so hard....ever. But his passing represents so many things for me. He represented my youth-not that I am an old woman by any means. But the times of being a student in a youth ministry are over. He represented some of the most amazing times of praise and worship I have ever experienced. He was there when I finally decided to get real about God as a young person. He was so much of the reason that I had the desire to do that.

I remember songs he sang, words he preached, things he said to me, times when he made me laugh (TONS of those). I always wanted an older brother, and since Scott was so close to my age, he couldn't really be a "father figure" to me. (Even though many times he was). But he most certainly felt like a brother to me. I think that's why I always called him "Brother Scott", because he was my spiritual brother-and not in name only. He was a friend, a confidante, a prayer warrior, a counselor, a leader. He was my "wake-up call" when I was headed in the wrong direction. So decisions I made I would ask myself "What would Brother Scott think about this?". Of course what God thought came into play, but sometimes it's easier to have a person in your life to be your "moral compass", especially as a young person. I felt accountable to him, but I never felt that he judged me. He taught me what it meant to love as Christ loves the church, how to be a true disciple of Christ, how to "live out loud" for God. I thank God for his influence on my life. I am so glad that I knew him. It's just so hard to say goodbye to him.

To Have That Kind Of Courage

I am thinking of the Harvells alot today. Tears stung my eyes this morning as I thought back to the day that we travelled to Tifton for Scott's funeral. That was one of the most horrible days of my life. I felt literally sick as we got closer to the campgrounds, and I actually wondered if I was going to be able to get out of the car and walk into the tabernacle. Horrible. My heart was so broken over what I felt were promises broken....by God....to us. I have reconciled all of that since, with the help of the Holy Spirit.

And now I am still reflecting on Scott and how special he was. With how he lived his life....fearless, strong, full of faith, kind, compassionate, loving. He was one of the most wonderful people I have ever known, and will always (along with his amazing wife Laura) remain the most precious "hero of the faith" I have been privileged to call my friend. And I think about how hard it must have been for him to suffer so much. Yet he still believed with all of his heart that God could (and would) heal him. To have that kind of courage, that kind of faith.....well, one can only hope to be half of what he was. :)

And speaking of courage, my heart aches today as I think about Laura. She has been so strong, so full of faith, so full of praise to God. She believes that He will take care of her, and so do I. But I cannot imagine what she must be feeling right now.....as she walks this road of life without her husband. How difficult and painful that must be. Her whole life changed in that one moment when Scott's spirit slipped away. I think about how difficult the day of the funeral was for all of us-but with the exception of Scott's parents-Laura was the one who had the true heartache that day. And I am sure she is still carrying it with her....everywhere she goes, every day when she wakes up, with every breath and every thought. To have her faith and her courage....it just blows my mind. I am so proud of her for how she has held up through all of this. I am inspired by her, just like I was inspired by her husband so many times.

I think that this post was more therapy for me than anything else. I am just so heavily burdened for Laura and Anslie, and still so sad that Scott is gone. I needed to post this and get these things off my mind and my heart. But if you are reading this, and maybe you know Laura (or maybe you don't)-say a prayer for her, please. It would mean so much to me. God bless you.

Post-Edit Note

The only thing I have figured out so far is that if you go to my archives on the left side, and then click the title of the individual blog post, you can scroll up and down on that post. So, if you really wanna read what I am writing-you can do it that way until I figure out something else. Thanks!

Am I Alive, Am I On Purpose?

My head is spinning right now with SO MUCH. First things first though, I can't scroll up and down on my blog to read older posts, which means neither can anyone else. If you can help me with that, please let me know! There was what looked to be an open door for me last week in the job situation, but then it seemed to close. Somehow though, I didn't fall apart when that happened. Maybe I am growing, learning, gaining more faith from all of this? Maybe.

Now I am just putting my name and face out there wherever I can. Making my certification known to administrators and just waiting for my time to come. Someone, somewhere is going to see my potential. I will find favor somewhere, and God will grant this desire of my heart. I know that for sure, but with that comes my least favorite part-the waiting.

While I have the time, while I wait-I am looking deeper into my spiritual life. Why I do the things I do, how I could do things better, places where I have focused on myself and not on others. Times when God wanted to come in and do things, but I thought I had it under control....ever been there? So now I am trying to open up my world to Him and let Him come in and make my life what He wanted it to be in the first place. Like we are supposed to do anyway. Where did I miss that Scripture?

At the same time though, my faith is being stretched MORE THAN EVER! There was a time very recently when I felt very alone, very betrayed, and hurt with God. I felt like He had let me down and left me out in the cold. I wondered what good faith and prayer were when it seemed He didn't answer anyway. But the beautiful part about this was, Satan meant to destroy me with that thinking pattern. He meant for me lose all hope and turn away from God. But God took that doubt, fear, and pain..and He turned it around. He strengthened my faith even more, and showed me that what I was going through is what faith is really all about. To believe in Him when I can't see Him, can't hear Him, sometimes can't even feel Him. That's where we end and He begins, because faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things NOT seen. I may not be teaching right now, but I will be again. Scott may be gone from my sight for now, but I will see him again. Finances may look hopeless and bleak right now, but the Lord continues to provide.

So, I am trusting in Him to meet every single need in my life. I am not trying to do this in my power anymore, I am allowing Him to work things out for my good. And though people may not understand, I am going to continue to lean on God and listen to Him, and allow Him to order my steps.

Walking, stumbling

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing, less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day

There's distraction buzzing in my ear
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
I've heard rumors of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things

When the world is falling out from under me
I'll be found in You still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in You

So, this morning was hard. I had a dream last night that I was heading to Scott's funeral....again. That was....not cool. I will just say it that way. This left me feeling kinda out of it this morning. But, this has been a great couple of days. I can see God beginning to move in my difficult situations, and I feel my faith beginning to rise again. Of course this means an attack will come. I will have to finish this post later....duty calls.