Through the Fire

Today I am reflecting back on where God has brought me from. Summer tends to make teachers sentimental and nostalgic. It’s a time to reflect on the year that has passed, and look forward to the time ahead. I have always lived my life according to school years and summers. My internal clock has always worked that way, I think it’s because I was born to be an educator. I realize that now, more than I ever have.


I also realize more than ever that God has a greater purpose for my life than even my dream and calling to educate the precious ones He places in my care each school year. I am thinking back to where I came from, and realizing He’s taking me somewhere. I think back to when I lost my job with Glynn County. I thought I would die-the pain, fear, and disappointment were almost too much to bear. The devil did a lot of whispering during that time. Sometimes I listened, most times I didn’t. I realize now that he really thought he had me. The devil really believed I was going to turn away from God because of the loss of my dream. But, I didn’t. So, since that didn’t work, he put me in the hospital that summer with a blood clot. I am sure he was wringing his gnarly little hands and giggling as I lay there too scared to breathe. All I wanted was for someone to pray for me and say, this will not be the end of you. I finally understood what people meant when they say there are times when you can’t pray for yourself. My enemy worked feverishly to turn my mind and heart away from God, my parents, my husband, EVERYONE. But, he didn’t.

I think about Scott passing away, and what a number that did on my faith. Then, the repossession of my car (even though that was resolved for a time, I ended up giving the car back anyway) and eventually our family filing for bankruptcy. The devil waged all- out war on us, and part of me believed he had won. But, by the grace of God, we didn’t break. God kept us, comforted us, blessed us even in the storm.

Again, when Steve and Margaret were killed last month, my faith began to wane. I couldn’t understand WHY we continued to lose so much! Why didn’t God help them, why didn’t He save them? In all of the pain, I grew closer to God. I began loving Him in a way that I never have. Not for what He’s done or is going to do, but because He is good and gracious and loving. He’s loves us and has a plan for us, even when circumstances seem to prove otherwise.

I know that there will be many more trials and valleys to come, but God is teaching me how to lean on Him. He is showing me that I will not always understand or be able to fix things like I want to do. He is teaching me to believe in what I cannot see, and trust in Him no matter what fiery darts the enemy throws. In the fire, my weakness is made strong. In the trials, I truly get to see who God is. And the more I see of Him, the more I want to learn and the closer I want to get.

Stronger

I have been in a strange place lately. My mom and I were talking last night, and I told her I am in a place where I want to have faith for things, but my hurt is building walls. Maybe it's because I have had eight deaths related to our church or our family in the past three months. Maybe it's because I am having dreams of chasing Steve and Margaret's car trying to get to them, and I can't. Maybe it's because I still think about Scott every day, and miss his wisdom and strength so much. Maybe it's because my career and Daniel's seem to be standing still. Or because our plans for having more children, moving to a bigger house, etc....seem to be standing still. I know that when these times come, it means that breakthrough will follow them soon. But tell that to my wounded heart. It seems like our family has been constantly bombarded with pain and struggle for TWO years! Enough!

So, it came to me last night that I am having a "crisis of faith". I am at a place where I need to decide if I am going to move forward, or lay down in the pain and spiritually die. As I was thinking of this last night, this song came on the radio. And I knew what I had to do.

Hey, heard you were up all night


Thinking about how your world ain't right

And you wonder if things will ever get better

And you're asking why is it always raining on you

When all you want is just a little good news

Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather



Oh, don't hang your head

It's gonna end

God's right there

Even if it's hard to see Him

I promise you that He still cares



When the waves are taking you under

Hold on just a little bit longer

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

The pain ain't gonna last forever

And things can only get better

Believe me

This is gonna make you stronger

Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger

Believe me, this is gonna make you ...



Try and do the best you can

Hold on and let Him hold your hand

And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus

Oh, lift your head it's gonna end

God's right there

Even when you just can't feel Him

I promise you that He still cares



'Cause if He started this work in your life

He will be faithful to complete it

If only you believe it

He knows how much it hurts

And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this