I have been in a strange place lately. My mom and I were talking last night, and I told her I am in a place where I want to have faith for things, but my hurt is building walls. Maybe it's because I have had eight deaths related to our church or our family in the past three months. Maybe it's because I am having dreams of chasing Steve and Margaret's car trying to get to them, and I can't. Maybe it's because I still think about Scott every day, and miss his wisdom and strength so much. Maybe it's because my career and Daniel's seem to be standing still. Or because our plans for having more children, moving to a bigger house, etc....seem to be standing still. I know that when these times come, it means that breakthrough will follow them soon. But tell that to my wounded heart. It seems like our family has been constantly bombarded with pain and struggle for TWO years! Enough!
So, it came to me last night that I am having a "crisis of faith". I am at a place where I need to decide if I am going to move forward, or lay down in the pain and spiritually die. As I was thinking of this last night, this song came on the radio. And I knew what I had to do.
Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather
Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...
Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares
'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Stronger
Posted by Jennifer Castor at 7:50 AM
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1 comments:
I am so sorry that I lost touch after they passed. So much of me uhanged after that. I didn't look at world the same, and I felt like the world didn't aee ne the same either. I felt like I was the only one allowed to hurt, but at the same I felt like I has to be only string one. It was horrible year, and a horrible place to be. It was the year I got married and it was the WORST year if my life. I didn't know how to take that. I'm so sorry for neglecting that friendship. I'm so sorry for who I became for a long time. I didn't know how to look people in the face because seeong the hurt for me in their eyes was more than I could bare. It was eaier to ignore everyone who loved me prior. It was easier to get new relationships than to fall into the arms of people who had always loved me, because the hurt I felt was my wealness. I didn't know how to be weak in the eues of the people who had once seen me so strong.
It doesn't make it right and it doesn't change a thing. But know that I do miss those people. The one's who loved me first.
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