Transparency

Transparency. In it's simplest definition it means to see through something. But, I mean transparency today as getting real. So for this post, I am gonna be really "real". I am going to talk about something that I don't usually talk about because it's not "glamorous" or maybe it's not "acceptable". I have been doing so well, having faith, being strong. But I am struggling today. It started yesterday with the constant barrage of "stuff" in life. I was just ill, as I usually call it. By the time I got off work, I could not even be bothered to wait in line for a parking spot at Wal Mart. I was just DONE. And today, I felt it again. The swirling, the questions, the wondering, the fear, the sadness. What's gonna happen, Lord? What are You going to do about this?

I have been reading a lot of blogs about women who have gone through major personal tragedy. Today I asked myself why I was so involved with these stories and the answer came back so clear from the Spirit. You have been through a tragedy, too. But these other women went through a personal tragedy that was actually very public. Other people knew about it, felt it, were effected by it greatly. Mine is more private, it doesn't effect other people. Daniel and I stand alone in our fear, heartache, uncertainty. It's this personal cross that we are bearing in silence....silence except for the constant sound of the phone calls we can't answer. And it hurts. We are holding together, clinging to God's word like it's a life raft and we are about to be swept out to sea. We KNOW that if God doesn't intervene, we will drown.

But does the fact that it's more private make it better or worse than what those women went through? I am not sure. And so I ask that you pray for my family's financial situation. I know that because we give constant praise reports, everyone thinks we are all "hunky-dory". We give those praise reports because we are thankful for the love, prayers, gifts, surprises, etc. that we have received. And because we have faith that God is going to get us through this, even when we can't see how. So, I find myself feeling like my "blog sisters", as I have affectionately called them. Hurt, angry, sad, blaming myself-as though I could have done something to make this situation different. But I can't "fix" my life the way I want to. I have to trust God and know that He has got it all under control. But today, my flesh is crying out against this trial and saying I can't do this anymore. So again, please lift us up in prayer today. It means so much to me to know that people pray for my family. Thank you.