There Is A God

Today has been one of those days. Actually, this has been one of those weeks. Not bad, just busy! Work (a couple of sub jobs this week), errand running, laundry, cleaning house, tutoring, church, taking care of Hannah, cleaning the church, working on the bulletin. And it's about to get even more busy. I got that maternity leave sub job at Sterling! I start on Monday. I will be there for four weeks, which qualifies me for long-term sub pay. I won't be tacky and a give a number...lol...but basically for four weeks, I will make 2 times what I have been making. This will be reflected in my May and June paychecks. Which means I WILL have a paycheck in June, which will give me time to look for a summer job! There is a God! Like I had any doubt before. ;)

The only thing is....my faith is rising up....wanting me to expect more than just this four week job. Then Satan sticks his ugly nose into it....and tells me I shouldn't get my hopes up. God didn't deliver the last time you got a long-term job....look at the economy....they are cutting jobs...this is a small town....you were terminated and told to come back in a couple of years, it's only been one year. You know what I hear him saying (?)...you're not worth it....you're not enough....you can't....they won't. I'm not hearing any more about it! I am going to trust God to perfect His will in my life. I am going to let my faith rise up and tell me that maybe this will be the time when God decides to answer my prayers and give me a full-time teaching job again. And if He doesn't, I am going to trust Him to know what He's doing in my life. I am going to remember that He sees the whole picture, and I only see a very small part of my journey. I am going to remind myself every day who is really in charge here.

Part Two

Okay, this long story is getting really looooong. Lemme try to finish up by giving the highlights.

After Johnny left, my world kinda fell apart. What I knew and the person that I was all changed at once. I got into a relationship that was emotionally, physically, and spiritually detrimental to me. But even in the midst of all that, God called my name again. I don't know how long the relationship with that guy went on before this, but I do remember a particular day very clearly. I was riding in the car with my mom and "Jesus, Lover of My Soul" came on the radio. I always used to describe that as my song with God. That was "our song". When I heard it, I knew it was time for me to return to Him. And that day was the beginning of coming back to who I really am.

When Scott came to our church, I was still working my way back to that fearless, "Jesus freak girl" from high school. I had determined when Brother Johnny left that I would never be that close to a youth pastor again, because it hurt so much when they left. I think I fell even harder for Scott and Laura than I had for Johnny and Sheri...but I digress. I was having some "relationship troubles" with whichever guy it was that I was dating at the time (sad that something that was important at the time really isn't now). The important thing was, this guy and I were struggling with our relationship. And I went to Scott about it. I don't remember exactly what he said to me, but I do remember him talking about our purpose and about what our lives are really supposed to be about. I didn't understand everything that he said because he was so on a different spiritual level than I was. But I was intrigued and inspired by what he said. Shortly thereafter, I broke off the relationship and began really seeking after God. I began working for Scott and Laura, getting very involved in ministry at the church, and figuring out who God wanted me to be. (Also, beginning in my high school years, Daniel and I were friends. He was always there for me. Satan tried to come in between that relationship many times, and almost succeeded a few times. But God had bigger plans for us.)

I was just struck today by how many times God rescued me...how many times I should have lost it all. How many times Satan tried to "derail" me, and couldn't. He still tries it. He just tried when Scott passed away. He also tried when I lost my job. He tried to get me to lose hope, lose faith, and turn my back on God. He has tried to destroy me so many times because he knows that God has great plans for me. But each time he tries to come against me, it's just like the Bible says, "the Spirit of the Lord raises up a standard against him". God may let him try and test me, but he won't allow him to take me out spiritually. God will finish the good work He began in me. I can't wait to see what His plans are.
He has already restored my relationship with my dad, given me a wonderful husband and a beautiful child. He has given us a ministry (or two) in our church, and has blessed us beyond measure in so many other ways. I am forever grateful that He saw who I was and still recognized potential in me.

Beautiful, Beautiful

"Don't know how it is You looked at me, and saw the person that I could be."-Francesca Battistelli

These words are lyrics from one of my favorite songs right now. But they are so much more. Ever looked back on your life and been amazed that God would choose you? You with all your flaws, quirks, annoying habits....errr...charms. Today I was thinking about Scott (big surprise there, I am sure). That led me to thinking about the youth pastor we had before Scott. I never mention him on here, but he was awesome. That led me to thinking about my life before and after that youth pastor. Which led me to thinking about my testimony/story in general. And I was once again amazed by God's hand on my life. I have usually marked my spiritual journey beginning the night I got saved. But, it really began long before that.

First of all, I was born to two teenagers. They hadn't a clue what they were doing...but wow, did they love me. My dad loved me enough to give me a name instead of leaving me as an illegitimate child. That in itself was a wonderful blessing, and one of many reasons that I legally changed my middle name to my maiden name when I married Mr. Wonderful....aka Daniel....aka Hannah's Daddy :) But after I was given a name and began to grow, things changed. My mom and dad decided to part ways. My dad joined up with the Navy, and he wasn't around much. Partly because he was working, and partly because it was just too hard I think. Thus began a lifetime of wanting to be accepted by men in my life. I had a stepdad who seemed to fill that void, but really caused a lot of other emotional scars with his anger and addiction. He did however bring me a little brother, who taught me so much about how to love and how to be a mommy. My brother's dad did end up forcing us out of our home to move in another woman and her children. More rejection, really?! My mom remarried after that, and my new stepdad and I didn't quite get along. We moved around alot with his job, but when we finally came back home, I told my mom I wanted us to go to church. We went back to our home church, which was a Methodist church. I got involved, but something was still missing. The mere fact that a teenager would ask to go to church on a regular basis is one of the first clues that God had a plan for my life.

But first, girl doesn't get approval from father, girl seeks approval from guys, girl gets hurt again and again. I wasn't sexually active, but I gave way too much of myself away. What was left of my heart got really torn up in this process. Then, when I was sixteen, we started attending a Pentecostal church at the urging of my aunt. As soon as my mom had visited a few times, we got a visitor at our house. It was the youth pastor of the church coming to visit myself and my brother. I was very taken aback. Why would this man come to visit me and my brother, kids he doesn't even know? Truth is, he loved us already...and he didn't even know us. Our own dads didn't have time for us, but this man wanted to spend time with us, to love us? I was skeptical, but very interested.

We began attending the youth group there, and got to know Brother Johnny. He was the greatest guy in the world in my eyes. He loved myself and my brother, and all of the other youth kids...and also his own kids at home! I was amazed! I did anything and everything Johnny and his wife Sherry wanted me to do. They would let me help get the church ready for Wednesday services, help shop for parties/games/sermons, babysit their kids, spend the night at their house. They taught me so much about having love and compassion towards others. During this time, I accepted the Lord as my personal Saviour during a drama presentation called Heaven's Gates and Hell Flames, that our church put on. The Taylors taught me alot about what it meant to be saved, also. I maintained a very strong relationship with God during my high school years, and they helped me through all of it....and my mom helped, of course. :)

Then we heard that the Taylors were moving away, that Johnny had been offered a senior pastor job out of town. I was crushed. The only man who had ever really been there for me was leaving. I went and visited them a few times at their new home and new church, but this was about the time that I began drifting out of the church and my relationship with God. Johnny had made me feel like I had a place and a home in our youth group, and when he left I felt alone. I was so hurt and brokenhearted about them leaving, that I pretty much left the church myself. I got involved with a guy that was definetely unsaved and unchurched, and started acting the way he acted and doing what he did.

Even then, God was still calling me.

**I will have to finish this later, Hannah decided it wasn't nap time yet.**

Faith

I watched Amish Grace again tonight and was struck once again by this quote...I wanted to write it down somewhere so I won't forget it.

"Faith when everything is as you want it to be is not true faith. It is only when our lives are falling apart that we have the chance to make our faith real."

I talked about the faithfulness of God and how He was my provider...but only when I lost my job and didn't know where money was going to come from was my faith tested and His faithfulness proved.

I talked about God being a healer. It was only when Scott passed away and the deep, gaping hole was opened that I began to understand that "healed" has different meanings in different situations, and that God doesn't cease to be God just because I don't understand (or don't like) His answer to my prayers.

I have felt guilty in the past year for doubting God....for my faith being tested.....tried....even faltering in my faith sometimes. I questioned my beliefs...I questioned God....I was angry with Him...I felt that He let us down. But this quote from the movie, along with the Holy Spirit, the Scriptures, and God's grace....reminded me that it's okay to "wander" in the spiritual desert for a little while. Because on the other side of the desert is more of God's love, more faith, more understanding of what He is all about. I know that my faith has grown through these trials, so though they hurt (even now), I thank God for them. They have shown me that I do have a measure of faith and that God is helping it to grow each and every day.

I Miss My Friend

Tonight is the Relay for Life. Hannah and I went to have lunch with Daddy at his "Promotion Party" at work. We drove down Altama on the way back because I was planning to stop at Winn Dixie. We were sitting at the red light next to the fairgrounds, and I saw the signs for Relay and started thinking about tonight. Suddenly, I began to cry and flashed back to the moment I stepped into Scott's funeral. I lost it as soon as I walked into the tabernacle! As I thought back to that today, I panicked! I thought "I can't do this. What was I thinking signing up to pray at Relay for Life only a few months after his passing?" So, I am asking for prayers....there are only a few people who read my blog...so, if you're reading it today....please pray for me. Pray that I won't go out there and become a blubbering idiot....that I will be able to put my own pain aside and pray for these dear people who are still fighting the battle against cancer.

And pray for the survivors...and the friends and family of those who weren't so lucky....and the volunteers who will be out there praying for all of them. Pray that God will give us compassion and love towards each person we come into contact with. Pray that unsaved people would "see Jesus" in us.

I am hoping that tonight will be another step in the grieving process of accepting that our brother is gone from our sight...for a little while. This blog is also really helping me to grieve for Scott and "get out" some of the hurt. Writing about him....whatever I want to write...whenever I want to write it....as long or short or disjointed/confusing as I want to write :)....helps a lot. As I said, not many people read this blog, so it's really just a place for me to work through the hurt. I have a hard time putting things into words a lot of times, but I can write about them and get them out. I miss you, my friend. I look forward to serving God through serving people, just like you always did. Your legacy continues on in me...and so many others.

For Only He Is God

I am just so grateful for the way God does things. The way He moves in my life, in the life of my family. For the subtle things He does, for the BIG things He does. For the way He is moving in our church. Slowly, quietly....but deliberately. He has a plan for us. Even when we don't understand, even when we don't like it, even when he feel like giving up because He seems to move so slowly. He keeps working His plan. I'm glad He is God and that He is in control. He is so much better at it than I would be.
I know that this is a very random post, but I was standing in my kitchen and just felt a wave of glory hit me. Why? Nothing big and earthshattering has happened, my situations haven't changed all that much. But I feel that something is about to change. I feel that something big is coming. But it's more than a feeling. It's knowing that God is standing right there beside me through it all. My life is good because He is my God, and my God is good.

A couple of praise reports....I have a pretty big cleaning job next week that's gonna bring in some money for us.
Daniel got a raise yesterday.
Dianna and Rene came and spoke to our group last night, and it was wonderful. And as far as our students go, I don't see a lot changing in their situations right now. But the atmosphere on Wednesday nights has changed. The expectancy, the attitude, the relationships have changed. Those are all signs that God is moving, and I thank Him for that.

Healed

Hilarious thought for the day....I was running rampant around the house trying to get some things done before an important phone call I was expecting, and Hannah was in to everything! I decided to let her go down to her grandparents' house to play so that I could get my work done. Suddenly, everything was getting done, and so quickly! I thought to myself "Things really seem to get done quicker when Little Tiny is not around. But I wouldn't trade her for all the free time in the world. And I think that's why God gave children grandparents, so the parents don't have to choose!" :)

I sang "I Bowed on my Knees and Cried Holy" yesterday at church, and all I could see was Scott's face! I cried as I sang, and thought about my precious friend up there in Heaven with Jesus. Today, I signed up for our time to work the Prayer Tent at Relay For Life this coming weekend. I am really excited about that, I wanted to do something special to honor his life and the good fight that he fought. I am also going to sing "Healed" at church on Sunday. I sang that song when he was really getting sick and we weren't sure what was going to happen. I declared to our church before I sang that song that it was for Scott and that I knew he would be healed. I think I will be singing that song this time as a testimony to myself more than anyone else. I need to remind myself that God is our healer...that Jesus took those stripes so that we would be healed...that God is sovereign, even when things go terribly wrong. And that Scott is healed, just not in the way that my finite mind can understand. Have a great Monday, everyone. And tell the people you love, that you love them. We are not promised tomorrow.

Jehovah Jireh

I am up way too early on this Saturday morning. And my little tiny is still asleep! This week turned out pretty well. I cleaned a house on Wednesday, and subbed Thursday and Friday. God is still providing, helping me to piece income together, and allowing me lots of quality time with Hannah. He's good like that. Since I am awake and the house is silent, I am thinking alot. We are having a big birthday dinner over here tonight to celebrate my mom and I need to get things ready, but I just want to sit in the silence for now.

I am thinking about how blessed I am, and how easily I forget that. I am thinking about this hunger that I am feeling for MORE of God, and how glad I am that I feel that way. This November, I will have been saved for 14 years....that's pretty amazing. I have been walking with the Lord for this long and still feel so alive, so grateful, so in love with my Saviour. As I said in my last post though, God is making me aware of how much time we waste. How much more we could have with Him that we just don't take the time to tap into. We're too tired, too busy, too stubborn...I'm not sure what it is. Maybe we are afraid. And each time I think about this, I think about the one person I knew personally who was not afraid to seek God with everything he was worth. That was Scott Harvell to a "T". Once he got saved, he didn't waste one minute becoming a sold-out follower of Christ, and trying to get as many with him as possible.

Next weekend Daniel and I are working the Way Radio prayer tent at Relay For Life. I wanted to do something special at Relay this year to honor Scott's memory. To let him know (even though he's not here) or maybe to let myself know, that his life meant alot to me. That his influence is still being manifested in my life. That his passion for God was like a fire that consumed each person who got to know that precious man of faith. This is one of my ways of giving back to someone who gave so much to me. To minister hope and love to people who are going through the battle of their lives. At first I didn't think I was going to do it. I felt that I was unprepared and unworthy of such a special job. But then I decided to "do it afraid" and let God take care of it. I know it's going to be an awesome time, and I am so excited. Have a great Saturday, everyone.

This picture was taken at the Relay For Life in Douglas last night, where Laura and her church celebrated Scott.

Take Me All The Way

I'm not really sure how it happens. Suddenly, you're just living life. You're just going through the motions. First, God does something (or alot of things) that you can't explain. You are blown away, exhilarated, changed, inspired. And then...life happens. Bills, laundry, diapers, dishes, jobs *or lack of jobs*, cooking, friends, family, etc., etc. And you feel stuck. Dry....lifeless....dead. We had the most amazing service last Wednesday night. I experienced things with God that I never have. But then, by Sunday, I felt completely different. Drained....out of it.....tired.

Last night, we had a good service. Daniel challenged us to live our purpose, live out loud. But something was missing. I found myself praying that God would help me not to just go through the motions of life. Ever since Scott died, I have been keenly aware of the disconnect between what we are and what God wants us to be. How we worship and live, and how He wants us to do those things. God is showing me that there is more to Him than we have ever imagined, ever even tried to obtain. When He comes into the church, it's almost like we are wasting His potential. He could do so much in those moments with us, but we limit Him. We let Him do what we are comfortable with or what we have time for. If we would allow Him to, He could do something real and relevant. He could send revival to our church, to our country. And He wants to. I asked Him to send us out from church each time looking just a little bit more like Him. If we don't....I don't really see the point of going to church. I don't see the point of seeking Him....if we're not going to wait around long enough to find Him. But His word says that those who hunger and thirst after righteousness shall be filled. And that if we seek Him, we will find Him. I want to experience His glory. I want to see what He's all about. I want to know who He REALLY IS. Not what He can do for me, but what I can do for Him. What He wants me to do for Him. And I want to worship Him in the truest, simplest, and yet most beautiful sense of the word. I want to look into His face, and see Him. I am tired of dead, dry, lifeless religion. It doesn't satisfy, and it never will.

This might hurt


It’s not safe

But I know that I’ve gotta make a change

I don’t care

If I break

At least I’ll be feeling something

‘Cause just ok

Is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions

I don’t wanna go one more day

Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking

What if I had given everything?

Instead of going through the motions

No regrets

Not this time

I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind

Let Your love

Make me whole

I think I’m finally feeling something

Take me all the way

Take me all the way

Take me all the way

One Of Those Days

I have been having "one of those days" for the past couple of days. Just struggling/questioning/wondering. I am tired. I am nostalgic. I am restless. A few things I have been meditating on lately....

As long as there's breath, there's hope.

Focus on the things that matter.

Take one day at a time.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

God is with me...every breath, every moment, every thought.

I am blessed. I may not have everything I want, but I have what I need....and more.

It's Friday but Sunday is Coming

Nothing’s sacred, the days are cheap.


Truth is thin on the ground.

Still our prophets are crucified.

Nobody believes they’re stumblin'.

It’s Friday, but Sunday is comin'.


Someone’s saying a prayer tonight

For a hungry mouth to be fed.

Someone kneels in the dark somewhere;

Darkness is already crumblin'.

Yeah, it’s Friday, but Sunday comes.


(Chorus)

Sunday!

Hallelujah!

It’s not so far, it’s not so far away.

Sunday!

Hallelujah!

It’s not so far, it’s not so far away.


Broken promises, weary hearts,

But one promise remains:

Crucified, He will come again.

It’s Friday, but Sunday is comin'.

Yeah, it’s Friday, but Sunday is comin'!

Darkness is already crumblin'.

It’s Friday, but Sunday is comin'.

Yeah, it's Friday, but Sunday is comin'.

Can you feel it?

Here it comes.


Sunday!

Hallelujah!

It's not so far, it's not so far away.

Sunday!

Hallelujah!

It's not so far, our God will have His day!

If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken

And the signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to


No I'm not who I was

When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

So if all of these trials bring me closer to You

Then I will go through the fire

If You want me to


It may not be the way I would have chosen

When You lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'll never go alone


So when the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through

And I will go through the darkness

If You want me to


When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout

Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down

So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you

And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to