Beautiful, Beautiful

"Don't know how it is You looked at me, and saw the person that I could be."-Francesca Battistelli

These words are lyrics from one of my favorite songs right now. But they are so much more. Ever looked back on your life and been amazed that God would choose you? You with all your flaws, quirks, annoying habits....errr...charms. Today I was thinking about Scott (big surprise there, I am sure). That led me to thinking about the youth pastor we had before Scott. I never mention him on here, but he was awesome. That led me to thinking about my life before and after that youth pastor. Which led me to thinking about my testimony/story in general. And I was once again amazed by God's hand on my life. I have usually marked my spiritual journey beginning the night I got saved. But, it really began long before that.

First of all, I was born to two teenagers. They hadn't a clue what they were doing...but wow, did they love me. My dad loved me enough to give me a name instead of leaving me as an illegitimate child. That in itself was a wonderful blessing, and one of many reasons that I legally changed my middle name to my maiden name when I married Mr. Wonderful....aka Daniel....aka Hannah's Daddy :) But after I was given a name and began to grow, things changed. My mom and dad decided to part ways. My dad joined up with the Navy, and he wasn't around much. Partly because he was working, and partly because it was just too hard I think. Thus began a lifetime of wanting to be accepted by men in my life. I had a stepdad who seemed to fill that void, but really caused a lot of other emotional scars with his anger and addiction. He did however bring me a little brother, who taught me so much about how to love and how to be a mommy. My brother's dad did end up forcing us out of our home to move in another woman and her children. More rejection, really?! My mom remarried after that, and my new stepdad and I didn't quite get along. We moved around alot with his job, but when we finally came back home, I told my mom I wanted us to go to church. We went back to our home church, which was a Methodist church. I got involved, but something was still missing. The mere fact that a teenager would ask to go to church on a regular basis is one of the first clues that God had a plan for my life.

But first, girl doesn't get approval from father, girl seeks approval from guys, girl gets hurt again and again. I wasn't sexually active, but I gave way too much of myself away. What was left of my heart got really torn up in this process. Then, when I was sixteen, we started attending a Pentecostal church at the urging of my aunt. As soon as my mom had visited a few times, we got a visitor at our house. It was the youth pastor of the church coming to visit myself and my brother. I was very taken aback. Why would this man come to visit me and my brother, kids he doesn't even know? Truth is, he loved us already...and he didn't even know us. Our own dads didn't have time for us, but this man wanted to spend time with us, to love us? I was skeptical, but very interested.

We began attending the youth group there, and got to know Brother Johnny. He was the greatest guy in the world in my eyes. He loved myself and my brother, and all of the other youth kids...and also his own kids at home! I was amazed! I did anything and everything Johnny and his wife Sherry wanted me to do. They would let me help get the church ready for Wednesday services, help shop for parties/games/sermons, babysit their kids, spend the night at their house. They taught me so much about having love and compassion towards others. During this time, I accepted the Lord as my personal Saviour during a drama presentation called Heaven's Gates and Hell Flames, that our church put on. The Taylors taught me alot about what it meant to be saved, also. I maintained a very strong relationship with God during my high school years, and they helped me through all of it....and my mom helped, of course. :)

Then we heard that the Taylors were moving away, that Johnny had been offered a senior pastor job out of town. I was crushed. The only man who had ever really been there for me was leaving. I went and visited them a few times at their new home and new church, but this was about the time that I began drifting out of the church and my relationship with God. Johnny had made me feel like I had a place and a home in our youth group, and when he left I felt alone. I was so hurt and brokenhearted about them leaving, that I pretty much left the church myself. I got involved with a guy that was definetely unsaved and unchurched, and started acting the way he acted and doing what he did.

Even then, God was still calling me.

**I will have to finish this later, Hannah decided it wasn't nap time yet.**