Out of Control

I know this is totally random, but as I read Angie Smith's blog, I had an epiphany. I just realized why I HAVE to measure when I cook. And why I HATE flying. I like to be in control! Everything has to be a certain way, so I measure exactly. I hate flying because I am not in control of this huge plane that is flying miles up into the sky, and then dropping me back down to Earth while I white-knuckle the arm rest. No wonder God has so much trouble with me. I want everything to be done by me, my way. He is merciful and wonderful in the way that He loves me and teaches me. Wednesday night the youth had an amazing service. Daniel didn't preach, but the Holy Spirit sure did. We were singing "Wrap Me in Your Arms", and I just felt like I needed to move out of my spot. That I needed to walk around the altar area and pray. I fought and fought and fought. Finally, I did it. Once I was obedient to God, He took control of the service. But, I didn't want to do it. It wasn't inside of the box, it wasn't expected, it wasn't what I was "supposed" to do. I am so glad I listened to Him, though.

God began to move in that place, and speak to me about all kinds of things. One of the things though, was that I had been worrying about my performance at my new job. I wanted everything to be perfect, and I was again, trying to do it all myself! God began speaking to me about trusting Him to give me favor on this job, trusting Him to show me how to do what needed to be done. I am also guilty of putting things into "compartments" or "boxes". God can help me at church and in my family, but He doesn't belong in my teaching career, He doesn't know anything about teaching. Excuse me? He knows EVERYTHING! He created everything!

He also challenged me to play out all of the "what-ifs" that Satan has tried to use to trap me and keep me afraid. He said, "what if you lose this job? What if this is only for a season? What do you think is going to happen, that I am going to leave you out there to fend for yourself? I didn't the last time, I won't now. I will be everything that you need. If you need a job, I will be your job. If you need a paycheck, I'll be your paycheck. If you need a friend, I will be your friend. If you need a father, I'm your father. If you need a husband, I will be your husband. I will be your child. I will be your provider. I will fill every void within your life, and I will never leave you. You can trust me!"

All this time I thought I did trust God, but evidently I was still holding out on Him. That's why this job situation has been so important. Once I realized God was really all I had, I realized He was all I needed. And it has taught me to really trust Him. I am so grateful, tears come to my eyes constantly. I can't stop thanking Him, I can't stop wanting to see more of what this beautiful God is all about. I have realized I've only begun to scratch the surface.

OHHHHH yes!

Ohhhhh yes! I forgot to mention, no more working until six o'clock every night! PRAISE THE LORD!

Everything Is About To Change

I have so much to blog about, and so many things to say. I have been SUPER busy lately, and haven't had time to blog. Anytime I would have a moment to myself, and I would think "I can't possibly say everything I need to say in such a short amount of time, I will wait 'til later". I guess later is now. I titled my blog "everything is about to change", because it is. Two weeks ago, I signed a contract to become the lead Pre-K teacher at Childcare Network. This is a state certified Pre-K, which means I will have my salary back! That is going to change SO MANY things for my family by itself. No more collection calls, no more pay this bill this month and maybe next month we can catch up on the other, or skipping certain bills completely. No more worrying about how to pay for Christmas....why do I EVER worry?....or how to pay for Hannah's birthday party. The chance to dream again. Dream of owning our own home, dream of having more babies. One dream that we are beginning to save for now is the dream of taking a family vacation. Next summer, we are going to take Hannah to Disney World. We have had little celebrations here at home, but that will be our big celebration of what God has done for our family! And it will be our chance to vacation by ourselves as our own little family unit. :) Tomorrow is my first day at my new job, and I am so excited!

Another change that I am overjoyed about is the change in our church. For the last few weeks, something has shifted spiritually. We are changing, our worship is changing, our church is changing. The banner team will be ministering two times this month, and we are amazed at how God has used that to bring freedom to our worship. People are becoming excited about coming to church again! They don't want to leave when it's over! Pastor has been preaching on spiritual warfare, and it has been awesome. I know that the revival His word promises is on its way. In fact, I believe that it's already here!

Laura will be ministering in our a.m. service this week, and I CANNOT WAIT! I have always looked up to  and been inspired by her, but to watch her life and see how strong she has been since Scott passed away is amazing. Her life is a testimony to what God can do with a life that is totally surrendered to Him. I am in awe of her and of Him.

I have MUCH more that I want to say, but I hear my sleeping beauty stirring in her bed. Naptime is over. More blogging later.

Face Time

I am in need. I need some good ole fashion face time with the Lord. I have not been in church on a Sunday morning lately for various reasons. I have been sick, or Hannah was sick, or I was working with the kids getting the drama ready for the 4th. I think the devil will use busyness as a way to take our time away from us, time we could be spending with God. On the 4th, I was in church on a Sunday morning. After I was done with all the busyness of choir and children's drama performance, I was able to sit and listen to the message. When we went down to the altar, I heard God speaking to me so clearly. It had been awhile since that happened, too. He began telling me that there isn't much time left, that whatever we are going to do for Him needs to be done now. And then He told me that the end time revival that Scott longed for, prayed for, and waited to see....would be coming to pass. Then He lead me in intercession for people to wake up before time runs out. For strangers, for people who used to go our church, for friends....and for my unsaved family members. Then, I felt a tug on my pants leg. It was my baby girl. :) I love her, and I love being a mommy-but my first priority needs to be God. It's so difficult to push aside all of the things that push and pull you, things that scream out for your attention. I now understand some of the reasons why Scott used to lock himself away. To talk to God, to hear from God, to see God, and to come out changed. I pray that I can find that time with God that I so desperately need.

Mono

Hannah has mono. She is sick, I mean really sick. I mean, falling asleep in the car on the way to the dr., throwing up in the waiting room, 103 degree fever sick. As I sat in the exam room with her, and they told me that it wasn't just a simple earache, and that they needed to do some tests, I broke. I sat in the chair with my sleeping, convulsing, terribly feverish 17 month old and wept. After that, I went into protective mommy mode. I gave her the Tylenol that the nurse brought in, held her for the doctor to do all of the obnoxious things they had to do to her, talked to her, sang to her. When all of that was done, I took her downstairs to the pharmacy and got all of her medication. I drove her home, put her to bed, washed the vomit laundry, cleaned all of her cups, cleaned and disinfected her stroller that was the target for her projectile vomit....yikes, and bleached all of her diaper bag toys. Also, called Daddy and told him to bring home a pizza because Mommy was not cooking. Hannah has never been sick, so I have never been to this place. My baby is sick, and I won't feel okay again until she does. My fuse is short, tears come easily, my heart breaks, and people REALLY get on my nerves! LOL Have ya been there?

I am so thankful, though. Thankful for the support of Hannah's Mimi and Nana. I mean, seriously? Dora popsicles? Grandmothers are the coolest! Thankful that my friends and family are praying for my little angel. Thankful that she is feeling better already, after the meds from fabulous Dr. Goodman. I love that man! Deciding on him as Hannah's pediatrician is one of the best things I have ever done. I am thankful that this will be a short-lived situation, and she will get better. This illness has offered me a small window into the lives of the mothers whose children don't get better, the illnesses that aren't shortlived, and having to feel the way I feel right now for a long time. Feeling so out-of-control, helpless, and upset. Those people are my heroes. I know several people who do that every day, but you, more often that not, will find them smiling through it. Amazing! Thank You, Lord for taking care of my daughter when I am unable to.

This Is Home

I have always been a bit of a homebody. Even as a kid, I would get homesick while at a friend's house, and just want to go back to the comforts of home. Now that I have my own home and my own family, and I work until 6 every night, it has reached a fever pitch. I long to be at home with my little family. To have time to clean my house and play with Hannah, since she is growing up SO fast. Home is also the place where I commune with the Lord most often. I speak to Him, and hear Him speak to me. I know that's also what church is for, but lately it seems like we are missing the point of church. Everyone is in such a hurry to fulfill their obligations to the church that they forget that we are supposed to be there to worship God and talk with Him. We don't slow down long enough to actually hear God's voice. That's a problem. As Christians, church is supposed to be kind of like a home for us. Our sanctuary away from the things of the world, the place where we can run to God and find everything that we need spiritually.

It makes me long for my permanent home in Heaven. The place where everything is as it should be. Where we can talk with God every hour of every day. Where the cares of this world disappear. I want to go to church and find that same thing. I guess the change needs to begin with me, since I am the one who sees the disconnect. It troubles me that no one else seems to notice. Everyone thinks they are doing "the right thing". But, doing the right thing won't bring you closer to God. It won't sustain you when life is falling apart around you. And, it certainly won't get you to Heaven. My heart is longing for home, in so many ways.

Five Months

So, it's been five months since you passed away. Five months ago, the world lost someone extraordinary. We will never be the same because of your life. We will never be the same because of your death. It's been five months, and the world is still spinning around. I really thought the world was coming to an end when I found out you were gone. It just didn't seem right that someone like you was taken from us.

We're still here...living, laughing, loving, serving God, singing the songs you loved to sing, talking with your precious wife, and seeing your beautiful daughter. She looks just like you, you know. A few weeks ago, I went to the dedication of the dorm that they built in your honor. I cried like it was the day you passed away. I miss you, Scott....a lot. I genuinely thought that you would always be here, someone we could count on and turn to always. I anticipated many more visits to your home, many more talks with you and Laura about ministry, many more chances to tell you how much you meant to me. Now I dream of Heaven a little more frequently, thinking about the day when I will meet Jesus face to face, and also reunite with the man who I looked up to (and still do) so much in my walk with God. You're gone but not forgotten, and I pray that your legacy would continue in me, and in all of us that you served and taught with so much love.

Today

It's Saturday, I'm home with my family, and I'm about to go take a nap. Does it get better than this?

Wondering

I am wondering why I can't seem to feel 100% better physically. I am wondering why Hannah is still asleep. I am wondering why I can't find time to blog anymore. I am wondering why it is that I can't just stay here and enjoy the quiet of my house for a few more minutes. Oh yes, I remember, it's called....summer camp. Better known as my job....lol. Gotta get going, we are bowling today!

Busy

Been too busy to post. Job from 9-6 each day, choir, church, banners, children's drama practice, taking care of my child, my house, my husband....leaves very little time for blogging. Plus, Saturday we were gone to a family reunion all day. And this coming weekend, we are going to Tifton for Youth Night at Camp Meeting. So, if you don't hear from me, that's why. Happy Monday!

Can Anyone Hear Me?

I’m staring at these empty walls


Wondering when You’ll visit me again

When will You come?

If there is anything at all

Coming in between our love

Please show me, ‘cuz I am barely hanging on

Can anybody hear me?


The silence is deafening


Why do You feel so far away?


When I know You’re here with me


But I just need faith to see


Nothing can separate me from Your love

Believing what I can’t see

Has never come naturally to me

And I’ve got questions

But I am certain of a Love

Strong enough to hold me when I’m doubting

You’ll never let go of my hand


I will trust in You, even in the moments

I can’t find you, and I will hold on to

Your promises of love

You’ve never failed before

I know You can hear me

When the silence is deafening

Even though You seem far away

And I know You’re here with me

But I just need faith to see

Nothing can separate me from Your love

Better Than A Hallelujah

God loves a lullaby


In a mothers tears in the dead of night

Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

God loves the drunkards cry,

The soldiers plea not to let him die

Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.


We pour out our miseries


God just hears a melody


Beautiful the mess we are


The honest cries of breaking hearts


Are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life,

The dying man giving up the fight

Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

The tears of shame for what's been done,

The silence when the words won't come

Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.


We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing,

Better than a choir singing out,singing out.


We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah


Better than a church bell ringing

better than a choir singin' loud

singin' loud

Love Has Come

Well I know this life is filled with sorrow


And there are days when the pain just lasts and lasts

But I know there will come a day

When all our tears are washed away with a break in the clouds

His glory coming down and in that moment


Every knee shall bow every tongue confess


That god is love and love has come for us all


Every heart set free every one will see


That god is love and love has come for us all






For anybody who has ever lost a loved one


And you feel like you had to let go too soon


I know it hurts to say goodbye


But don't you know it's just a matter of time till the tears are gonna end


You'll see them once again and in that moment



Every knee shall bow every tongue confess


That god is love and love has come for us all


Every heart set free every one will see


That god is love and love has come for us all


Oh and on that day we will stand amazed

At our savior god and king

Just to see the face of amazing grace

As our hearts rise up and sing


Glory glory hallelujah

Thank you for the cross

Singing glory glory

Christ has paid the cost


And every knee shall bow every tongue confess

That god is love and love has come for us all

Every heart set free every one will see

That god is love and love has come for us all


And every knee shall bow every tongue confess

God is love and love has come for us all

Every heart set free every one will see

God is love and love has come for us all

Every knee shall bow every tongue confess

God is love and love has come for us all

Every heart set free every one will see

God is love and love has come for us all

God is Rockin' The House

Okay, so I am cleaning my house...and listening to the Top 20 on my very favorite station....90.7. Well, God is totally rockin' my house!! :) Every song that comes on, I feel the Holy Spirit come into the room and I feel tears well up in my eyes. Thank You, Lord for being so present today. You knew that I needed to be near You today, and you came.

The next few posts are the last three songs that have come on in a row that are exactly what I needed to hear.

School's Out For....Some Of Us ;)

I start work on Tuesday. Ready? Not! I am excited about it, but I have so much to do between now and then. Drug screen, background check, orientation, buy scrubs, get a hair cut, pay bills, get my house in order, buy groceries, etc., etc. At least I am almost finished with Courtney's room and will not have to work tomorrow. That will help a lot.

I have been reflecting a lot in the last couple of days, and I am amazed at how different my life is than it was at this time last year. Last year, I was heartbroken....scared....mourning what I thought was the end of my dream. This year, I am beginning a new job (after finishing one I really loved). I am looking forward to meeting new kids, teachers, parents. I am seeing my dream being resurrected, but in a different way. God's plan for my life is so beautiful, and yet so totally different than what my plans were. Now, God is teaching me not to make plans on my own, but to bring my petitions to Him, and let Him do the work. When I saw that door close last year, I thought another one would never open. And yet, it has. Even in the times when I thought things were dark, God was blessing me. He got me out of a really bad situation. He provided for my family financially. He allowed me to spend very little time doing a job that didn't involve children, because he knows that working with children is my calling and my passion.I have worked when I have needed to work, had money when my family had a need, and spent a lot of precious time with my little girl who is growing up so fast. So once again, I am praising and thanking God for His amazing presence in my life. For being the force that drives me, the strength that holds me, the grace that teaches me, and the peace that comforts me. He's my provider, my healer, my friend.

Update

Potty training will be on hold this summer. After thinking about it and talking to Daniel (and Hannah's grandparents), I don't think she is quite ready for that just yet. Also, I found out yesterday that I will probably be working full time this summer, so I won't be able to focus on that the way that I want to. Happy last day of school, everyone!

And it looks like I will be potty training Bugs this summer, too. She took off her wet diaper while I was in the bathroom yesterday, and brought it to me. Sounds like we're ready for the potty!

Welcome, Summer

It's raining! The day before the last day of school. What did I do to make you angry, Lord? ;) Just kidding....sort of....lol. I could not get out of bed this morning. I am sure part of it was the weather, but it's also summeritis. I feel my body being drawn to my house. To cleaning, organizing, sleeping in (as much as a person with a 16 mo. old can), and to spending time with Hannah. I may only be doing temporary work at my new school this summer, because it sounds like they won't need someone every day. That's okay, too. I will have some money coming in, but will also be able to enjoy my summer.

I am glad to know that I am not getting sick again. When I went to bed last night, I felt like I was coming down with something. Now I know it was part exhaustion, part weather.

Next week, I will sleep in. I will go and get my hair cut. I will take Hannah to the pool. I will go and take care of the background check/drug screening at my new job. I will catch up with friends and family. I will read the Word and spend some real face time with the Lord. I will catch up on laundry and put my house back in order. I will breathe in deep and fully relax.....if only for a minute. Welcome, Summer!

Is This Sad?

Is this sad? It is Monday, and I am already looking forward to the weekend. School is out Wednesday, and we have to work Thursday and Friday, but then we're done. Also, this will be the first weekend in about a month's time that I haven't had anything planned. Church on Sunday of course, but that's it!

I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to some rest and relaxation time. Cooking breakfast on Saturday, lounging around on the couch, play time with Hannah, and maybe I can finally clean my house. I can't wait!! Happy MondaywaitingforFriday, all! :)

The Moment That Hope Was Born

Separated until the veil was torn


The moment that hope was born

and guilt was pardoned once and for all


Captivated but no longer bound by chains

left at an empty grave

the sinner and the sacred resolved


[chorus:]

and all of creation sing with me now

lift up your voice and lay your burden down

and all of creation sing with me now

fill up the heavens let his glory resound


Time has faded and we see him face to face

every doubt erased forever we will worhip the king


the reason we breathe is to sing of his glory

and for all he has done praise the father praise the son and the spirit in one


and every knee will bow oh and every tongue praise the father praise the son and the spirit in one