Best Friends

"Best friend" is a term we throw around lightly as children. Whoever happens to sit next to you in class, or the girl who has the same favorite color as you-is your best friend. As we grow older, however, our qualifications for a best friend change. Especially when you go through trials and valleys in your life. You realize what a blessing from God your true friends can be.

So, today, that's what I am thinking about. My best friend. She has been there for me through thick and thin. She has been on my side, had my back, prayed for me, and loved me when I was unloveable. She encourages me and inspires me to be more as a friend, as a Christian, as a minister. Last night while we were talking, I realized again how dear my best friend is to my heart. I was sharing with her about my new job, and she was happy for me, happy with me. I have been so excited, but haven't gotten much response from other people. She helped me realize again all the reasons why I should be excited about this job. She encouraged me by telling me how happy she thought I would be at this job, and how the lack of money couldn't erase the fact that I will be in a place where I feel secure, loved, and full of purpose. I will be able to love my children (students) and love my job. I won't have to feel stressed out all the time, or feel afraid that I am going to misstep and be put out the door.

I am thankful for that edifying conversation. I am thankful for my best friend. Nena, I love ya. :) Thanks for always being there for me. For being a shoulder to cry on, a kick in the pants when I need it, an encourager, a trusted prayer partner, and a sister in Christ. You're the best.

This is a song for anyone whose ever been


Knocked down and can't get back again

Stuck in the corner, can't move forward

All alone and you think you're going nowhere

This is a song for anyone whose ever stood underneath the sun

And felt so small, two feet tall and so out of place

He sees you - He knows you - He loves you

And He wants you to know that

The life that you've been living, the days that you've been given

Were made for something beautiful

Life - don't let it pass you by

Because you were created for something beautiful

Heaven holds a dream that's just for you

And there are things only you can do

So step by faith, put the past away so step by faith, don't be afraid

It'll take you to a better day put the past and your fears away

Second to minute to hour to life

Time always seems to fly

It's on the go and before you know

Your days are through


But he sees you - He knows you - He loves you

And he wants you to know that


The life that you've been living, the days that you've been given

Were made for something beautiful

Life - don't let it pass you by

Because you were created for something beautiful


What are - you waiting for

What are you - waiting for

What - are you waiting for

There's something beautiful

Something Beautiful

So, I got the bug. The one that's been going around at my school. You don't actually vomit, but you really wish you could. It's a great one...lol. I was home all day yesterday, tried to go to church last night, and stayed about 15 minutes. I pretty much slept all day yesterday, so then last night I couldn't sleep. For a minute there, we all wondered if I was pregnant.  I was only half disappointed that I wasn't. Something in me lately has been wanting another child. Hannah is absolutely wonderful, but I feel like our family is still incomplete. We've always wanted our little Noah, and sometimes the urge is strong. I miss being pregnant (sometimes)! I know this is the wrong financial time for us, though. We would have to move into a bigger house, etc., etc. But tell that to my "mommy heart".

I am too much of a "kid person" to stop at one child myself. And Daniel has never wanted Hannah to be an only child. The title of this post is a song that's stuck in my head, but it's also my heartbeat. I want what God wants for my life, and He takes my pieces, my ideas, my "plans"-and works His plan. He turns it into something beautiful. So, we will move into a bigger house...when God says it's time. We will have a bigger church, be paid for our ministry at the church, have jobs and better jobs, and have more children...all in God's timing. I have tried life my way too many times before, and God's way is just so much better!

Looking Forward

I was told today that I am a brave woman to take on a long-term sub job at the end of the school year. I would say that's true. But, I also needed the work. I am enjoying myself, too....getting to have the same group of kids every day and learning about them is wonderful. However, I am really looking forward to summer vacation. How long my vacation will last is still yet to be determined (like I said, I may be working summer camp at my new school!), but at least I will have a day or two to relax....and sleep!!! It is really dawning on the kids at this point that school is almost over. They are really making me work hard to keep up with their energy levels...lol.

One of the girls in my class was asking me today if I was going to be working here next week. I told her that unfortunately I would not, that I have a job lined up at a church preschool. That is when I think it finally hit me. I will be teaching full time next year! I will have my own class with my own "babies", writing my own lesson plans, and getting to know the children and their parents. I will get to see how much they learn and how their development progresses over the course of the year. I will get to celebrate holidays with them, and miss them when school is out. I will get to be a REAL teacher again next year. I AM SO EXCITED!

So, I have much to look forward to. There are also all kinds of exciting things happening at our church, and I can't wait to see what happens next. God has been so good to me, and I know that He always will be.

He'll Do It Again

Well, God came through....again!

I had my interview at a Christian school on Friday, and I actually felt the presence of the Lord in the interview. I was able to fully communicate my love for children and teaching (something I have struggled to do in the past, when things run that deep-it's hard for me to put it into words). The interview was a full-time Pre-K teaching position, and there's a possiblity of working the summer program as well, so that I can get paid in the summertime! I am pretty sure that I got it, the director and I really hit it off. She has to get me (and my pay rate) approved by the board of the church, but other than that, I GOT IT! I am so excited!

Then, last night I was randomly checking my e-mail. I e-mailed someone at the Board of Education office almost two weeks about my certification. To make a long story short, I was about to lose my certification because I am not working full time/taking continuing education classes. Anyway, I got the reply e-mail, and it said that they had just changed the requirement for re-certification. For the next five years, there isn't a professional learning requirement! You just have to fill out the paperwork, and you will be re-certified. :) I was dancing all over the place. I felt as though God had done that just for me. I am so excited, ecstatic, overjoyed, and grateful for how He has seen me through these trials....and He'll do it again...and....again...and again. He loves me (and you) that much. Happy Monday!

Saturday

Ahhhhhh....Saturday.

Relaxing.

Sleeping in.

Cuddle time with Hannah.

Reading stories with Hannah.

Catching up on Facebook.

Having time to put clean sheets on the bed.

Getting laundry and cleaning done.

Hanging out with Daniel.

Subway for lunch.

Dinner/game night with friends.

Tomorrow will be Sunday. :)

Grateful

Can I just say I'm grateful? Today is one of those days where the amount of blessings you have just overwhelm you, and you smile all day long. Here's a few reasons why.....

I have the best husband in the world. He helped me get so many things done last night.
We had a wonderful dinner together with our sweet Hannah.
It's Friday.
I am working at one of the best schools in town....and I get to be here until the last day of school!
I have a job interview today.
I got a really good night's sleep.
We are having dinner with Mom tonight.
Tomorrow is Saturday, and I will get to sleep in for awhile...then wake up and have breakfast with the cutest little girl I've ever seen.
God loves me, and finds some way to shine on me every day.
Life is good.

Heals My Lonely Soul

Do you believe it's true


It all depends on you?

If you were to fall down

We wouldn't know what to do


I'm a lonely soul

I'm a lonely soul

When I think I'm alone


I want to be the moon cause it reflects the sun

Don't want to be the star that shines on everyone

I want to be with you 'cause you're the only one

Who heals my lonely soul


Have you ever got

Everything you want?

Did you fake a grin

And feel you lose when you win?

Full

This week has been busy!! We are preparing for Pastor Appreciation, getting the banner worship team started, I am still working my long term job, and I am working on a children's drama for July 4th! This, along with all the other daily life activities of a wife and mother.....if you are a wife and mother, you know how much that involves!

The exhaustion is setting in. Yesterday, it was annoyingly, bone-crushingly present. I looked at Daniel and said, "It's like I just ran out of gas.". I physically could not do another thing...and my head started throbbing. My wonderful husband looked at me and said "I'll cook dinner!". Hurray for my husband! After I had dinner, I felt better.  Some of my strength returned and I was able to wash the dishes, get Hannah and myself ready for church, go to church, get home, and put her to bed. Then I crashed! Today, I am feeling much better. I am still very ready for the weekend to arrive so that I can sleep in a little bit, though. I have school until 2:30, then I have errands to run, tutoring to do, Hannah to pick up, lunch to make for tomorrow, dinner to cook, dishes to wash, bath to give, teeth to brush, and stories to read.

Yesterday, Mom was telling me that she was praying that God would remove the things that I don't need to be doing, and leave the things He wants me to do. I told her that the tough part is, I need to be doing all of it! All of it is my responsibility, until such time that our church grows and we have more people willing to be in charge of things. So, you can pray for two things...pray that I will have the time to do all the things that I need to get done....and pray that God will send laborers to our church. We desperately need more people so that the same five folks don't have to do everything!

Please know that this is the place where I vent. I know that I am being heard, because I read the words back to myself, and I feel better. :)  I am not in any way, shape, or form unhappy with my life. I am enormously grateful for the ALL of the blessings in my life. But every lady needs rest some time. My "some time" is now! LOL I just need a good nap and some time at the feet of my Saviour. Then, all will be right with the world again. Have a great day, all.

Mother's Day

There are so many things I want to post about. This was the most wonderful Mother's Day weekend of my life. Of course, this was only my second Mother's Day as a mother, so I am sure it will only get better from here.

First of all, Friday night we began our banner worship class at the church. It was wonderful. Then on Saturday morning, Daniel helped me with everything that needed to be done to get us back to the church, then bought us breakfast to top it off.  Saturday's class was even better than Friday's. We didn't just have class, we had an encounter with God. Afterward, we went home, ate lunch, and the grandmothers and myself went out to shop for "banner worship team attire" for Sunday. Daniel stayed home with Hannah while she was napping. When we got home, I got ready to go out with my sweet husband. And my mom watched Hannah for us....thanks, Nana!

Daniel took me to Jacksonville, let me look around in a dozen stores, try things on, and buy nothing. He listened to me talk about the woes of being a plus-sized lady, the yards of ugly fabric they try to drape us in, and how I should start my own plus-sized clothing line. He listened to me talk about school, church, family, friends, etc., etc. He didn't just listen though, he responded. He is so interested in every little thing that makes me who I am....and that is why I think my husband is God's gift to the world....and more specifically, to me. :) Then we had dinner at Olive Garden...my favorite restaurant in the world. After dinner, went to a few more stores...I finally bought some things! When we left, we talked all the way home.

Yesterday, Daniel made breakfast for us and got Hannah dressed for church. The service was beautiful, we had a great time. After church, Daniel cooked lunch for us and our parents (minus the two who don't live here in town, that is). He served our food, put Hannah down for a nap, washed the dishes, and balanced the checkbook. He did everything he could to make this weekend as fun and stress-free as possible for me. It was awesome! So, to my husband, thank you. This was the best Mother's Day ever. I love you!

 I also enjoyed lots of Hannah time yesterday, which is always great. She was so cute in her little pink dress, smiling and giving me lots of kisses. And the best part was, I told her at the lunch table that I loved her-and as clear as a bell, she said-"Love you". It was the sweetest thing ever! I love that girl!

So, I am back at work today and on cloud nine thinking about my wonderful weekend with my wonderful family. Happy Monday!

Inner Strength

Some of the "blog sisters" I read were challenging us to share where we find inner strength during trials. Here goes....

In my relationship with God.

In my faith in His word.

In the laughter of my daughter.

In the arms of my husband.

In the eyes of the children I teach.

In the prayers of my friends.

There Is A God

Today has been one of those days. Actually, this has been one of those weeks. Not bad, just busy! Work (a couple of sub jobs this week), errand running, laundry, cleaning house, tutoring, church, taking care of Hannah, cleaning the church, working on the bulletin. And it's about to get even more busy. I got that maternity leave sub job at Sterling! I start on Monday. I will be there for four weeks, which qualifies me for long-term sub pay. I won't be tacky and a give a number...lol...but basically for four weeks, I will make 2 times what I have been making. This will be reflected in my May and June paychecks. Which means I WILL have a paycheck in June, which will give me time to look for a summer job! There is a God! Like I had any doubt before. ;)

The only thing is....my faith is rising up....wanting me to expect more than just this four week job. Then Satan sticks his ugly nose into it....and tells me I shouldn't get my hopes up. God didn't deliver the last time you got a long-term job....look at the economy....they are cutting jobs...this is a small town....you were terminated and told to come back in a couple of years, it's only been one year. You know what I hear him saying (?)...you're not worth it....you're not enough....you can't....they won't. I'm not hearing any more about it! I am going to trust God to perfect His will in my life. I am going to let my faith rise up and tell me that maybe this will be the time when God decides to answer my prayers and give me a full-time teaching job again. And if He doesn't, I am going to trust Him to know what He's doing in my life. I am going to remember that He sees the whole picture, and I only see a very small part of my journey. I am going to remind myself every day who is really in charge here.

Part Two

Okay, this long story is getting really looooong. Lemme try to finish up by giving the highlights.

After Johnny left, my world kinda fell apart. What I knew and the person that I was all changed at once. I got into a relationship that was emotionally, physically, and spiritually detrimental to me. But even in the midst of all that, God called my name again. I don't know how long the relationship with that guy went on before this, but I do remember a particular day very clearly. I was riding in the car with my mom and "Jesus, Lover of My Soul" came on the radio. I always used to describe that as my song with God. That was "our song". When I heard it, I knew it was time for me to return to Him. And that day was the beginning of coming back to who I really am.

When Scott came to our church, I was still working my way back to that fearless, "Jesus freak girl" from high school. I had determined when Brother Johnny left that I would never be that close to a youth pastor again, because it hurt so much when they left. I think I fell even harder for Scott and Laura than I had for Johnny and Sheri...but I digress. I was having some "relationship troubles" with whichever guy it was that I was dating at the time (sad that something that was important at the time really isn't now). The important thing was, this guy and I were struggling with our relationship. And I went to Scott about it. I don't remember exactly what he said to me, but I do remember him talking about our purpose and about what our lives are really supposed to be about. I didn't understand everything that he said because he was so on a different spiritual level than I was. But I was intrigued and inspired by what he said. Shortly thereafter, I broke off the relationship and began really seeking after God. I began working for Scott and Laura, getting very involved in ministry at the church, and figuring out who God wanted me to be. (Also, beginning in my high school years, Daniel and I were friends. He was always there for me. Satan tried to come in between that relationship many times, and almost succeeded a few times. But God had bigger plans for us.)

I was just struck today by how many times God rescued me...how many times I should have lost it all. How many times Satan tried to "derail" me, and couldn't. He still tries it. He just tried when Scott passed away. He also tried when I lost my job. He tried to get me to lose hope, lose faith, and turn my back on God. He has tried to destroy me so many times because he knows that God has great plans for me. But each time he tries to come against me, it's just like the Bible says, "the Spirit of the Lord raises up a standard against him". God may let him try and test me, but he won't allow him to take me out spiritually. God will finish the good work He began in me. I can't wait to see what His plans are.
He has already restored my relationship with my dad, given me a wonderful husband and a beautiful child. He has given us a ministry (or two) in our church, and has blessed us beyond measure in so many other ways. I am forever grateful that He saw who I was and still recognized potential in me.

Beautiful, Beautiful

"Don't know how it is You looked at me, and saw the person that I could be."-Francesca Battistelli

These words are lyrics from one of my favorite songs right now. But they are so much more. Ever looked back on your life and been amazed that God would choose you? You with all your flaws, quirks, annoying habits....errr...charms. Today I was thinking about Scott (big surprise there, I am sure). That led me to thinking about the youth pastor we had before Scott. I never mention him on here, but he was awesome. That led me to thinking about my life before and after that youth pastor. Which led me to thinking about my testimony/story in general. And I was once again amazed by God's hand on my life. I have usually marked my spiritual journey beginning the night I got saved. But, it really began long before that.

First of all, I was born to two teenagers. They hadn't a clue what they were doing...but wow, did they love me. My dad loved me enough to give me a name instead of leaving me as an illegitimate child. That in itself was a wonderful blessing, and one of many reasons that I legally changed my middle name to my maiden name when I married Mr. Wonderful....aka Daniel....aka Hannah's Daddy :) But after I was given a name and began to grow, things changed. My mom and dad decided to part ways. My dad joined up with the Navy, and he wasn't around much. Partly because he was working, and partly because it was just too hard I think. Thus began a lifetime of wanting to be accepted by men in my life. I had a stepdad who seemed to fill that void, but really caused a lot of other emotional scars with his anger and addiction. He did however bring me a little brother, who taught me so much about how to love and how to be a mommy. My brother's dad did end up forcing us out of our home to move in another woman and her children. More rejection, really?! My mom remarried after that, and my new stepdad and I didn't quite get along. We moved around alot with his job, but when we finally came back home, I told my mom I wanted us to go to church. We went back to our home church, which was a Methodist church. I got involved, but something was still missing. The mere fact that a teenager would ask to go to church on a regular basis is one of the first clues that God had a plan for my life.

But first, girl doesn't get approval from father, girl seeks approval from guys, girl gets hurt again and again. I wasn't sexually active, but I gave way too much of myself away. What was left of my heart got really torn up in this process. Then, when I was sixteen, we started attending a Pentecostal church at the urging of my aunt. As soon as my mom had visited a few times, we got a visitor at our house. It was the youth pastor of the church coming to visit myself and my brother. I was very taken aback. Why would this man come to visit me and my brother, kids he doesn't even know? Truth is, he loved us already...and he didn't even know us. Our own dads didn't have time for us, but this man wanted to spend time with us, to love us? I was skeptical, but very interested.

We began attending the youth group there, and got to know Brother Johnny. He was the greatest guy in the world in my eyes. He loved myself and my brother, and all of the other youth kids...and also his own kids at home! I was amazed! I did anything and everything Johnny and his wife Sherry wanted me to do. They would let me help get the church ready for Wednesday services, help shop for parties/games/sermons, babysit their kids, spend the night at their house. They taught me so much about having love and compassion towards others. During this time, I accepted the Lord as my personal Saviour during a drama presentation called Heaven's Gates and Hell Flames, that our church put on. The Taylors taught me alot about what it meant to be saved, also. I maintained a very strong relationship with God during my high school years, and they helped me through all of it....and my mom helped, of course. :)

Then we heard that the Taylors were moving away, that Johnny had been offered a senior pastor job out of town. I was crushed. The only man who had ever really been there for me was leaving. I went and visited them a few times at their new home and new church, but this was about the time that I began drifting out of the church and my relationship with God. Johnny had made me feel like I had a place and a home in our youth group, and when he left I felt alone. I was so hurt and brokenhearted about them leaving, that I pretty much left the church myself. I got involved with a guy that was definetely unsaved and unchurched, and started acting the way he acted and doing what he did.

Even then, God was still calling me.

**I will have to finish this later, Hannah decided it wasn't nap time yet.**

Faith

I watched Amish Grace again tonight and was struck once again by this quote...I wanted to write it down somewhere so I won't forget it.

"Faith when everything is as you want it to be is not true faith. It is only when our lives are falling apart that we have the chance to make our faith real."

I talked about the faithfulness of God and how He was my provider...but only when I lost my job and didn't know where money was going to come from was my faith tested and His faithfulness proved.

I talked about God being a healer. It was only when Scott passed away and the deep, gaping hole was opened that I began to understand that "healed" has different meanings in different situations, and that God doesn't cease to be God just because I don't understand (or don't like) His answer to my prayers.

I have felt guilty in the past year for doubting God....for my faith being tested.....tried....even faltering in my faith sometimes. I questioned my beliefs...I questioned God....I was angry with Him...I felt that He let us down. But this quote from the movie, along with the Holy Spirit, the Scriptures, and God's grace....reminded me that it's okay to "wander" in the spiritual desert for a little while. Because on the other side of the desert is more of God's love, more faith, more understanding of what He is all about. I know that my faith has grown through these trials, so though they hurt (even now), I thank God for them. They have shown me that I do have a measure of faith and that God is helping it to grow each and every day.

I Miss My Friend

Tonight is the Relay for Life. Hannah and I went to have lunch with Daddy at his "Promotion Party" at work. We drove down Altama on the way back because I was planning to stop at Winn Dixie. We were sitting at the red light next to the fairgrounds, and I saw the signs for Relay and started thinking about tonight. Suddenly, I began to cry and flashed back to the moment I stepped into Scott's funeral. I lost it as soon as I walked into the tabernacle! As I thought back to that today, I panicked! I thought "I can't do this. What was I thinking signing up to pray at Relay for Life only a few months after his passing?" So, I am asking for prayers....there are only a few people who read my blog...so, if you're reading it today....please pray for me. Pray that I won't go out there and become a blubbering idiot....that I will be able to put my own pain aside and pray for these dear people who are still fighting the battle against cancer.

And pray for the survivors...and the friends and family of those who weren't so lucky....and the volunteers who will be out there praying for all of them. Pray that God will give us compassion and love towards each person we come into contact with. Pray that unsaved people would "see Jesus" in us.

I am hoping that tonight will be another step in the grieving process of accepting that our brother is gone from our sight...for a little while. This blog is also really helping me to grieve for Scott and "get out" some of the hurt. Writing about him....whatever I want to write...whenever I want to write it....as long or short or disjointed/confusing as I want to write :)....helps a lot. As I said, not many people read this blog, so it's really just a place for me to work through the hurt. I have a hard time putting things into words a lot of times, but I can write about them and get them out. I miss you, my friend. I look forward to serving God through serving people, just like you always did. Your legacy continues on in me...and so many others.

For Only He Is God

I am just so grateful for the way God does things. The way He moves in my life, in the life of my family. For the subtle things He does, for the BIG things He does. For the way He is moving in our church. Slowly, quietly....but deliberately. He has a plan for us. Even when we don't understand, even when we don't like it, even when he feel like giving up because He seems to move so slowly. He keeps working His plan. I'm glad He is God and that He is in control. He is so much better at it than I would be.
I know that this is a very random post, but I was standing in my kitchen and just felt a wave of glory hit me. Why? Nothing big and earthshattering has happened, my situations haven't changed all that much. But I feel that something is about to change. I feel that something big is coming. But it's more than a feeling. It's knowing that God is standing right there beside me through it all. My life is good because He is my God, and my God is good.

A couple of praise reports....I have a pretty big cleaning job next week that's gonna bring in some money for us.
Daniel got a raise yesterday.
Dianna and Rene came and spoke to our group last night, and it was wonderful. And as far as our students go, I don't see a lot changing in their situations right now. But the atmosphere on Wednesday nights has changed. The expectancy, the attitude, the relationships have changed. Those are all signs that God is moving, and I thank Him for that.

Healed

Hilarious thought for the day....I was running rampant around the house trying to get some things done before an important phone call I was expecting, and Hannah was in to everything! I decided to let her go down to her grandparents' house to play so that I could get my work done. Suddenly, everything was getting done, and so quickly! I thought to myself "Things really seem to get done quicker when Little Tiny is not around. But I wouldn't trade her for all the free time in the world. And I think that's why God gave children grandparents, so the parents don't have to choose!" :)

I sang "I Bowed on my Knees and Cried Holy" yesterday at church, and all I could see was Scott's face! I cried as I sang, and thought about my precious friend up there in Heaven with Jesus. Today, I signed up for our time to work the Prayer Tent at Relay For Life this coming weekend. I am really excited about that, I wanted to do something special to honor his life and the good fight that he fought. I am also going to sing "Healed" at church on Sunday. I sang that song when he was really getting sick and we weren't sure what was going to happen. I declared to our church before I sang that song that it was for Scott and that I knew he would be healed. I think I will be singing that song this time as a testimony to myself more than anyone else. I need to remind myself that God is our healer...that Jesus took those stripes so that we would be healed...that God is sovereign, even when things go terribly wrong. And that Scott is healed, just not in the way that my finite mind can understand. Have a great Monday, everyone. And tell the people you love, that you love them. We are not promised tomorrow.

Jehovah Jireh

I am up way too early on this Saturday morning. And my little tiny is still asleep! This week turned out pretty well. I cleaned a house on Wednesday, and subbed Thursday and Friday. God is still providing, helping me to piece income together, and allowing me lots of quality time with Hannah. He's good like that. Since I am awake and the house is silent, I am thinking alot. We are having a big birthday dinner over here tonight to celebrate my mom and I need to get things ready, but I just want to sit in the silence for now.

I am thinking about how blessed I am, and how easily I forget that. I am thinking about this hunger that I am feeling for MORE of God, and how glad I am that I feel that way. This November, I will have been saved for 14 years....that's pretty amazing. I have been walking with the Lord for this long and still feel so alive, so grateful, so in love with my Saviour. As I said in my last post though, God is making me aware of how much time we waste. How much more we could have with Him that we just don't take the time to tap into. We're too tired, too busy, too stubborn...I'm not sure what it is. Maybe we are afraid. And each time I think about this, I think about the one person I knew personally who was not afraid to seek God with everything he was worth. That was Scott Harvell to a "T". Once he got saved, he didn't waste one minute becoming a sold-out follower of Christ, and trying to get as many with him as possible.

Next weekend Daniel and I are working the Way Radio prayer tent at Relay For Life. I wanted to do something special at Relay this year to honor Scott's memory. To let him know (even though he's not here) or maybe to let myself know, that his life meant alot to me. That his influence is still being manifested in my life. That his passion for God was like a fire that consumed each person who got to know that precious man of faith. This is one of my ways of giving back to someone who gave so much to me. To minister hope and love to people who are going through the battle of their lives. At first I didn't think I was going to do it. I felt that I was unprepared and unworthy of such a special job. But then I decided to "do it afraid" and let God take care of it. I know it's going to be an awesome time, and I am so excited. Have a great Saturday, everyone.

This picture was taken at the Relay For Life in Douglas last night, where Laura and her church celebrated Scott.

Take Me All The Way

I'm not really sure how it happens. Suddenly, you're just living life. You're just going through the motions. First, God does something (or alot of things) that you can't explain. You are blown away, exhilarated, changed, inspired. And then...life happens. Bills, laundry, diapers, dishes, jobs *or lack of jobs*, cooking, friends, family, etc., etc. And you feel stuck. Dry....lifeless....dead. We had the most amazing service last Wednesday night. I experienced things with God that I never have. But then, by Sunday, I felt completely different. Drained....out of it.....tired.

Last night, we had a good service. Daniel challenged us to live our purpose, live out loud. But something was missing. I found myself praying that God would help me not to just go through the motions of life. Ever since Scott died, I have been keenly aware of the disconnect between what we are and what God wants us to be. How we worship and live, and how He wants us to do those things. God is showing me that there is more to Him than we have ever imagined, ever even tried to obtain. When He comes into the church, it's almost like we are wasting His potential. He could do so much in those moments with us, but we limit Him. We let Him do what we are comfortable with or what we have time for. If we would allow Him to, He could do something real and relevant. He could send revival to our church, to our country. And He wants to. I asked Him to send us out from church each time looking just a little bit more like Him. If we don't....I don't really see the point of going to church. I don't see the point of seeking Him....if we're not going to wait around long enough to find Him. But His word says that those who hunger and thirst after righteousness shall be filled. And that if we seek Him, we will find Him. I want to experience His glory. I want to see what He's all about. I want to know who He REALLY IS. Not what He can do for me, but what I can do for Him. What He wants me to do for Him. And I want to worship Him in the truest, simplest, and yet most beautiful sense of the word. I want to look into His face, and see Him. I am tired of dead, dry, lifeless religion. It doesn't satisfy, and it never will.

This might hurt


It’s not safe

But I know that I’ve gotta make a change

I don’t care

If I break

At least I’ll be feeling something

‘Cause just ok

Is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions

I don’t wanna go one more day

Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking

What if I had given everything?

Instead of going through the motions

No regrets

Not this time

I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind

Let Your love

Make me whole

I think I’m finally feeling something

Take me all the way

Take me all the way

Take me all the way

One Of Those Days

I have been having "one of those days" for the past couple of days. Just struggling/questioning/wondering. I am tired. I am nostalgic. I am restless. A few things I have been meditating on lately....

As long as there's breath, there's hope.

Focus on the things that matter.

Take one day at a time.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

God is with me...every breath, every moment, every thought.

I am blessed. I may not have everything I want, but I have what I need....and more.

It's Friday but Sunday is Coming

Nothing’s sacred, the days are cheap.


Truth is thin on the ground.

Still our prophets are crucified.

Nobody believes they’re stumblin'.

It’s Friday, but Sunday is comin'.


Someone’s saying a prayer tonight

For a hungry mouth to be fed.

Someone kneels in the dark somewhere;

Darkness is already crumblin'.

Yeah, it’s Friday, but Sunday comes.


(Chorus)

Sunday!

Hallelujah!

It’s not so far, it’s not so far away.

Sunday!

Hallelujah!

It’s not so far, it’s not so far away.


Broken promises, weary hearts,

But one promise remains:

Crucified, He will come again.

It’s Friday, but Sunday is comin'.

Yeah, it’s Friday, but Sunday is comin'!

Darkness is already crumblin'.

It’s Friday, but Sunday is comin'.

Yeah, it's Friday, but Sunday is comin'.

Can you feel it?

Here it comes.


Sunday!

Hallelujah!

It's not so far, it's not so far away.

Sunday!

Hallelujah!

It's not so far, our God will have His day!

If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken

And the signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to


No I'm not who I was

When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

So if all of these trials bring me closer to You

Then I will go through the fire

If You want me to


It may not be the way I would have chosen

When You lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'll never go alone


So when the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through

And I will go through the darkness

If You want me to


When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout

Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down

So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you

And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Beach Day

I had a great time at the beach today with Hannah. We didn't stay long, because I didn't want either of us to get fried by the sun. It took her a minute to decide if the sand was okay or not, and the water was really cold so we didn't go in. Once she decided the sand was acceptable, she had a blast. She dug with the shovel and dumped sand in and out of buckets. She ate some sand *yuck* and dumped the whole bucket of sand out on her head one time. We had a wonderful time! 

Wednesday

We are headed to Jesup tonight for another service at Jesup COG...Eddie James is going to be there! He is a personal favorite of mine, I cannot wait! These are some pics of Hannah feeding herself with a spoon. She is such a big girl! Once again, I am so grateful to have this time at home with her.

Look Up

Saturday night I was talking to my friend Anita about all of the stuff that the believers are going through. And I began talking about the fact that Satan really believes that he is winning this battle, and he's got some of us convinced of the same thing! And I started talking to her about what the book of Revelation says about his future (and ours). I remembered a lot of the things it said, but I felt the need to go back and read it again, since it had been awhile. What I read amazed me once again! Then Sunday, our pastor was talking about all of the signs of His coming that we are seeing in the world. He told us to go through the chapter about the signs (Luke 21), and see if we couldn't check off every one!

And they asked him, saying, Master, but when shall these things be? and what sign [will there be] when these things shall come to pass?

And he said, Take heed that ye be not deceived: for many shall come in my name, saying, I am [Christ]; and the time draweth near: go ye not therefore after them.
But when ye shall hear of wars and commotions, be not terrified: for these things must first come to pass; but the end [is] not by and by.
Then said he unto them, Nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom:
And great earthquakes shall be in divers places, and famines, and pestilences; and fearful sights and great signs shall there be from heaven.
But before all these, they shall lay their hands on you, and persecute [you], delivering [you] up to the synagogues, and into prisons, being brought before kings and rulers for my name's sake. Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken.

And then shall they see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory.
And when these things begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads; for your redemption draweth nigh.

I highlighted a bunch of them for you, and there are more I didn't copy and paste, because it's very long. Go, and read it for yourself. Some people may call me an "alarmist" or a "fanatic" for saying all of this, but either we believe in the Word of God, or we don't. We can't pick and choose which Scriptures are truth. I believe that every word in that book is true, and I intend to live by it. Last night, we went to hear Sister Jan Aldridge at Homerville COG. She was also talking about the signs of the times, and that we need to be prepared, not asleep. She spoke about the ten virgins in the Scriptures, when the bridegrooms came, five were ready. But five were not. My focus immediately went to the five who were not ready. They started out waiting on his return, their lamps full of oil, their spirits ready. But at some point, they forgot to wait, watch, anticipate his return. They became weary, and they fell asleep. When the bridegroom came, they ran around begging for oil, begging for someone to help them. But no one could. Sister Jan talked about the believers in the church who have fallen asleep, who will miss the coming of the Lord. How they will run to the church, begging for help...but no one will be there to help them. Yes, they can still become saved after the Rapture takes place, but it will be much harder. Namely because the Holy Spirit will be gone. AGH, that hurts my heart! It hurts because I know there are people who I love dearly who will not make it if they don't turn to God NOW! So, if you know you're not right with God, go to church tomorrow or kneel down RIGHT NOW and ask Jesus to come into your heart. If you're not sure if you're ready to go, FIND OUT! Talk to God, ask Him to search your heart and reveal to you what's inside it. Allow Him to change you while there is still time for Him to do it. I know that I am ready to go (because I ask God every day), and I know that He is coming, so now I need to know that the people I love are going to go with me. Look up, your redemption draweth nigh.

Awaken Our Hearts

Oh little town of Bethlehem

Looks like another silent night

Above your deep and dreamless sleep

A giant star lights up the sky

And while you're lying in the dark

There shines an everlasting light

For the King has left His throne

And is sleeping in a manger tonight, tonight


Oh Bethlehem, what you have missed while you were sleeping

For God became a man

And stepped into your world today

Oh Bethlehem, you will go down in history

As a city with no room for its King

While you were sleeping


Mary shivers in the cold

Trying to keep the Savior warm

Born among the animals wrapped in dirty rags

Because there was no room for Him in the world He came to save


United States of America

Looks like another silent night

As we're sung to sleep by philosophies

That save the trees and kill the children

And while we're lying in the dark

There's a shout heard 'cross the eastern sky

For the Bridegroom has returned

And has carried His bride away in the night


America, what will we miss while we are sleeping

Will Jesus come again

And leave us slumbering where we lay

America, will we go down in history

As a nation with no room for its King

Will we be sleeping

Will we be sleeping


United States of America

Looks like another silent night

I know in my heart that time is running out and that the end of days is coming. I feel it, I see it, I hear it, I read about it in God's word. My heart is breaking, knowing that people who I love are not ready. My heart is breaking, knowing that people are spiritually asleep, and do not feel/sense/discern His return! I want to be ready, and I want to take as many people with me as I can.

It Will Come True

This is an excerpt from my study bible...I didn't write it! :)

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth. Revelation 21:1

We sense it at rare moments. The first real day of spring, when the air is heavy with the scent of blooms and new life sprouts everywhere. Or even in winter, when an unexpected snowstorm clothes a gray, dingy city in pure white. Or when we watch a baby animal at play in the zoo. Or remember the first sudden twinge of romantic love.

This world may be full of pollution, war, crime, and hate. But inside us, all of us, linger remnants that remind us of what the world could be like-of what we could be like. The Old Testament prophets dreamed of "that day" when creation would be made new. And those sensations, following a dismal monotone of predicted catastrophes, burst out of the last few chapters of Revelation. That perfect world is not merely a dream; it will come true.

I was talking to one of my friends who has gone through trial after trial after trial lately. And I was telling her what the Word said about the times we are living in. And I told her that it seems like Satan is having his way with God's people right now, and maybe he is. But every dog has his day, and soon Satan is going to pay for what he has done to us. He is not going to prevail, no matter how much it may look that way sometimes. Then, I went to my favorite study bible to look a little closer at those Scriptures in Revelation, and I saw the posting above. Satan DOES NOT WIN, God's PEOPLE DO!  I have more to say on this topic, but my husband is waiting on me to watch a movie with him. I hope everyone has a wonderful Sabbath tomorrow! Loves!

Introspection and Updates

I was just looking over some of my blogs, and I realized that I had been posting really requirely until I got so busy with work this week. Not a bad problem to have, but it leaves little time for introspection. I love my quiet time with the Lord. I love when I hear Him telling me things, and they are so brilliant that I have to get online and share them with you....btw, is anyone out there actually reading this? Oh well, it helps me to write it either way.

Today I am thinking about the memorial service I went to last night. For Landen....he didn't make it 24 hours in this world. So sad. As I watched his young parents stand before us and tell us all that it's okay. (Seriously, you are telling me it's okay? I should be telling you that!) Their strength just amazed me. His mommy actually stood up in the choir and sang...at her son's funeral. I couldn't do that...I wouldn't do it. That is one time I would refuse to feel guilty for not serving the church. I don't know that I would have as good an attitude as she has, either. I imagine myself kicking, screaming, yelling, crying, and asking "WHY WHY WHY?". Maybe that's why she is her and I am me. God knows who can handle what. And He never puts more on us than we can bear. I think, actually I know-I would rather go through the job/financial hardship I am going through 100 times than go through what Gabrielle and JT are going through. That's why I told them last night that they are my new heroes.

Last night was wonderful in one respect though. I got to see all of my ALF buddies. I miss them SO much! Especially in the uncertain times that my family is going through. They wrap me up in a big group hug and don't let me go! They make me feel so loved and so important. And bonus....our precious Laura was there! *SQUEAL* I love her. :)

We are (hopefully) going to have an opportunity to help a friend and make some money this weekend. Still waiting to hear about that. We were given a $100 grocery store gift card yesterday....wow!! And had dinner out/grocery items bought for us this week as well. My mom is going to get some things for Hannah this weekend, and Billy is giving me money to shop a sack sale at my favorite kids' consignment store this weekend. God is still blessing us, I always like to give those praise reports as they come. And thanks be to Him, they have been coming ALOT for us. He's so good, it brings tears to my eyes. He brings joy to my heart. He makes me want to be more and do more, because He is so wonderful! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, I know I plan to! Weekends are family time, and I love that so much. I have been missing my Hannah Bug these last few days. I need to post pics soon, she is growing so fast! And walking so fast. Happy Friday!

This Week

So, when this week is over I will have logged three days of subbing and two days of tutoring. Not bad. :) Definetely 100% better than what I expected. Happy Wednesday!

God Is Here

Come and lay down, the burdens you have carried. For in this sanctuary, God is here. -Martha Munizzi

Nothing has changed, except my attitude about my circumstances. Sunday was one of the most awesome days I have ever experienced at MCCOG, or anywhere for that matter. I knew God was there, I knew He was listening, I knew He cares about my situation. And I know it was real, because it is still with me. After things didn't change (yet), after knowing that I have two funerals to go to for children this week :(, after a leader of our church walked away, after grief about Scott surfaced again and tried to overtake me. I will share with you my version of Sunday morning's sermon, and that will give you an inkling as to why I knew God was speaking to me on Sunday.

I don't have a job....but God is still here.

I can't pay my bills....but God is still here.

My heart is broken....but God is still here.

The world is a mess....but God is still here.

My friend is gone...but God is still here.

A church leader left...but God is still here.

Abby has been very sick...but God is still here.

My friends were in a car accident last week, and they don't know if their vehicle can be fixed....but God is still here.

Gabrielle's baby passed away...but God is still here.

I have lost family members....but God is still here.

---No matter what comes....God is still here. He will never leave us, nor forsake us. He will always be with us. And knowing that, I can make it. Knowing that, I believe my prayers will be answered. He was born on time, He died on time, He was resurrected on time, He will meet my needs on time, and He will return for His bride....ON TIME!

Tired

Come to me, all you who labor and are heavyladen-and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

I am physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially exhausted.

I also know that I am loved, blessed, cherished, prayed for, cared about, provided for, blessed, and highly favored. So, I will make it.

I have been on edge all day long. I kept asking myself why my fuse has been so short. And then the Holy Spirit said to me "You are in the desert, you are walking through the fire. You're going to have days like this, and it's okay. I am still with you." When we are weak, God is strong. When we can't seem to get it right, he gives us mercy. I am thankful to Him that the people in my life extend that same mercy to me. :) Daniel and I were talking about our options in our current situation again today, and I just feel like I am backed into a corner, and I CANNOT find my way out. Lord, I need some relief. I need something to happen that is not just a ray of hope, but an actual solution to the problem. I need You to move like I have never seen You move before, and we will give You glory for doing what man cannot do.

We Win Because of You

You can't bring me down, devil. God's been too good, and He won't quit now. I WIN!!!

I am having a wonderful day, getting a lot accomplished since I am not working today. Got one bill cut in half, and an extension on another bill until May. I have a tutoring session this afternoon, which means more money for us! Looking forward to cooking dinner for Nena, Chris, and Daniel-then heading to the movies with all of them. I am so thankful for GREAT friends and a wonderful husband that God has given me. You guys make my life wonderful, and keep me sane! :)

Tomorrow, my mom is taking Hannah and I grocery shopping. Mom is also gonna buy the Special Ed GACE book for me. I have decided to go for it. It is something I want to do anyway, and I have time right now. Plus, it will be one more thing to add to my resume when I head back into that BOE office to get my career back! :) That's about it for now. Looking forward to a wonderful weekend with my friends and family. Happy Friday, everyone!

Give God The Glory

I am working today. Not at one of my favorite schools, but I couldn't have cared less when I got the call. I am working. That's the point. I am also going to begin my tutoring job this afternoon. It's not going to amount to very much money, but it will buy diapers and help with gas money. I will take it. Yesterday, I was emotionally spent. Today, I feel kind of...numb?....sedate?....at peace? I am really not sure. I had some good face time with the Lord at church last night, and I bawled my little eyes out. I have been feeling like I can barely breathe. When I am with God though, I feel like I can breathe. He is the air I breathe....what a blessing. He is also blessing us financially....we have been GIVEN fifty dollars this week, had dinner bought for us last night, had groceries bought for us yesterday. Daniel is going to be working for a friend this weekend and will be bringing home a nice amount of money for that. Thank You, Lord. Also, my super fabulous best friend Nena came to church last night. I wanted to ask her to come, because I was such an emotional wreck yesterday...but I knew it wasn't fair to ask her that. She came to church, and she told me that she felt like she had to come. She prayed for me, and I felt the wind of the Holy Spirit blow into my heart again. Twice in one night.....I'll take it. :) THANK YOU, LORD for friends who will pray for us. She is also treating us to a movie this weekend....isn't she fabulous?

I don't understand any of what is happening, but I can't wait for the day when I will understand. When God finally reveals His purpose and plan for all of the pain I have been through in the past year. But right now, He is pouring out His blessings and I am not letting one go by without praising Him for it. Looking at the cold hard facts, we shouldn't still have our home and our car....but we do. We shouldn't have food to eat or the things that Hannah needs...but we do. And that is 100% because of God. No one else gets the glory for that. No one else. Nena and I both came to the same conclusion at different times yesterday. One of my greatest desires is to be a stay-at-home mom with Hannah. And Nena knew that because she has read it on my blog. We both realized yesterday that God is giving me that privelege right now. It might not last very long, because I really do need to work. It may not be the way I wanted it to happen, but it has happened. I was home with her this whole week until today. Sometimes God answers our prayers, and we don't even realize it because He didn't do it our way. But He still did it. :) I am so thankful that He is God and I am not. He is so much better at it than I would be.

I Give You All of My Praise

I didn't get the job. This is really all I have to say for now....

I don't understand Your ways


Oh but I will give You my song

Give You all of my praise

You hold on to all my pain

With it You are pulling me closer

And pulling me into Your ways



Now around every corner

And up every mountain

I'm not looking for crowns

Or the water from fountains

I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing

That the sight of Your face

Is all that I need

I will say to You



It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it all

I believe this

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it all

I believe this



You're gonna be worth it

You're gonna be worth it

You're gonna be worth it all

I believe this

You're gonna be worth it

You're gonna be worth it

You're gonna be worth it all

I believe this

Praise You In This Storm

As I was praying for friends and family....and myself....God gave me some perspective on our "situations". I was thinking about how we need to praise Him in the storm. And then He said to me....that is what this is. These things that all of you are going through are just that-storms. And they will pass, just like storms in the natural. The winds will howl, the rain will fall, the lightning will strike, and the thunder will crash. It will seem very loud, scary, and much bigger than you are. But, it will pass. We just have to hold on to Him for all we are worth, and trust Him to get us through it.

We get so caught up in what is happening to us, that we forget that it won't last forever. Yes, we are going to hurt over our current situations. But don't let them overtake you. Don't let Satan and his tools of fear, desperation, and depression sweep you away from God. Let God's love, peace, and mercy be present with you in this storm. And praise Him, no matter what comes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw Here is the link for the song/video Praise You In This Storm

Venting and Thanks

Things I don't like....

Gabrielle's baby passing away.
Abby having multiple seizures.
Scott passing away and the pain that brings to Laura.
My job situation.
The questioning and wondering that has gone on in the faith of many friends who have been attacked.
My own questioning and wondering.
Foreclosure and bankruptcy that has become a part of the lives of several people I care about.
Pain, pain, pain.
The enemy coming in and trying to wreck my home and take peace away from us.
Lisa and Jennie being in the hospital.
Subs....myself and my friends.....losing their jobs.
Seeing what the enemy is doing to the young people of our church.

Things I do like....

Knowing that God is still in control.
Praying and believing that God can and will answer every prayer.
Having wonderful friends who bless my life and are such a comfort to me.
Lisa and Jennie are now out of the hospital. :)
God's word.
Songs that glorify God.
The job opportunities that have come up this week.
The things that I am learning from all of these trials in my life.
Seeing my friends and family blessed by God.
Love, love, love.
The blessings that God has bestowed on us, seeing how He has brought us through this past year. He does things that man cannot do!

At A Loss

I am just at a loss for words. I got word this afternoon that a friend of mine whose baby was born yesterday, is now grieving the loss of that baby. Landen was having difficulty from the beginning, but we all truly believed that he was going to make it. His lungs were not able to receive the oxygen they needed, and he passed early this morning. The mom is my friend Gabrielle. She is a precious, sweet lady. She is the sister of a guy I dated years ago who is now a friend of mine. Gabrielle loved and looked up to me. She called me her sister, and always told me she wanted me to marry her brother. All of that seems silly now that I am a married mother and all of that, but the point is-she means a lot to me. And the thought of her laying in that hospital bed having to mourn her child just breaks my heart. It breaks my heart to hear of anyone going through that, but when it's someone you know it really hits home.

This has been a rough period of time for a lot of people I care a lot about. It's been a rough period of time for me. And in all of this, I am looking for God and finding Him. He is still there. He is still moving, He is still healing, He is still strong and sovereign and loving. Even when prayers go unanswered and we truly don't understand why. Please pray for Gabrielle, JT, and their families. This loss is a really devastating one. I am asking God to comfort, uplift, and speak to each person who is touched by this tragedy. I know that He will.

It's Not About Me

One of the things that stuck with me from Scott's funeral is that always he said "It's not about me." He totally understood that, and it showed. In his ministry, in his family, in his whole life. He understood the importance of sacrificing all that we are for our calling. He did what the Scripture said and "denied himself".

God is teaching me that so much lately. I hear the whisper of it in many situations I face, in my relationships with people, and on my job. It's not about me. This life is not about me, my faith is not about me...it's all about Him. I should be focused on His purpose, His plan, His will for me.

Yesterday I started feeling this odd aching sensation in my stomach again. I have been feeling that alot since Scott passed away. And I thought it was grief....I believe some of it is. But it's more than that. It's more than the pain of losing a friend and questioning everything about my faith because of that. It's more than losing my job last year. It's more than not being able to pay my bills. It's more than watching the devil ravage the lives of our young people and feeling powerless to stop him. It's a hunger. But it's not a hunger for food, at least not physical food. I realized that I was aching inside for God. I need Him to come and not just work in my situations, but work in my heart and in my walk with Him. I want to commune with Him, I want to be everything that He wants me to be. I want to think like He does, speak like He does, love like He does. I want to see my life and the lives of others, the way He sees it. I want to walk in deep, intimate friendship with Him-more than I ever have before. I am seeing Him take the pain and stress of what has happened over the last year and make it into something good. He is using what the devil meant for destruction...He is using it for my good.

Last night at revival, I began to pray. I prayed that if God wanted me to prayed for by Brother John, that I would be. But I told Him that more anything, I wanted to be touched by Him. I didn't want to have someone pray for me and lie on the floor in His presence, then stand up and go back to life as usual. I want to be touched by Him in a way that I am NEVER the same. I guess what I was asking Him for is an encounter with His glory. For His presence to be so strong that I can barely breathe, let alone speak. I am waiting for that.

Brother John didn't come and pray for me, but I did feel the presence of God and I heard God speak to me. They asked for 7 women who were full of the Holy Spirit to come and pray for this girl who has been sick. And then Brother John said something that really caught my attention. He said "Don't you go and pray for her unless you really believe she can be healed." And I hesitated. I have really struggled with the issue of healing since Scott died. I prayed for him to be healed, I believed in it, I spoke about it in front of our church....and it didn't happen. Then I felt hurt, betrayed, and confused. I have been on a journey with the Holy Spirit ever since about this issue...and last night I had my breakthrough. I knew that God intended for me to pray for that girl, so I went. I was terrified and thought "God I don't know what to say, obviously I don't know how to pray for people to be healed." And as I went down there and began to pray for her, God began to minister to me at the same time. I have always felt like I wasn't worthy to lay hands on someone and prayed for them to be healed. But the Word gives us the authority as believers to do that, and God said to me last night "It's not about you." This person's healing or anyone else's for that matter, are not about how well you pray or your ability to do anything for them. It's all about what God can do, and about you being the willing vessel to reach out and pray for them. HE DOES THE WORK, we just believe. He healed something in me last night, and showed me some truths through that situation. As far as why He doesn't answer sometimes when we pray for someone's healing, I am still asking for help in understanding that.

But when the time comes, He will show me the answer for that question as well. Last night I stepped out in faith, just like God taught me through Scott's ministry and testimony. I believed in God's ability and prayed for that girl, and left the rest up to Him. That's all He asks us to do, because it's really not about us.

You Have Been There

Thinking of my friend Laura and what she is going through. I thought of her the other day as I heard this song. And it ministered to me in my situation as well. Thank You for being there for us, Lord.

I've heard the angels and I've seen the devil
Fought with the lion, sent through the fire
I've been in the valley when it was dry
Walked through the desert to the other side

I'm not a preacher and I'm not a hero
My life has never been that kind
But there is one thing that I hold onto
I am yours, and Lord you are mine

CHORUS
And through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just want to feel your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need a friend
And I find you waiting there for me

I've seen a widow cry through her sorrow
And still raise her hands in the midst of it all
And Lord I'm reminded when I was weary
You carried me, yes you carried me

CHORUS
And through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just want to feel your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need of a friend
And I find you waiting there.....

BRIDGE
In the midst of a struggle
There is one thing I know
You'll never leave me, no never alone

I've heard the angels and I've seen the devil
Fought with the lion, sent straight through the fire

CHORUS
And through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just want to feel your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need of a friend
And I find you waiting
And I find you waiting there for me

Waiting, I find you waiting there

Blessed

Dinner bought for us last night by a friend.
Large check for Hannah Bug to go shopping given by a family friend.
Dinner being bought for us tonight by family.

We are so blessed! :)

Jesus Paid It All

Today I am just sitting and reflecting on the way we relate to God. We "mess up" as we call it, and suddenly feel that all is lost. We are ashamed, as though our relationship with Him is now ruined and will not be able to be redeemed. But we forget that the journey is the whole point! Salvation is not an ending, but a beautiful beginning. We are going to fall....over and over again. But it's what we do in that moment that makes us who we are. It's what we do in that moment that shows the world-and God and ourselves-what we are truly made of. We don't need to feel ashamed.

These stumbles and falls are all a part of the walk of faith we are on. Jesus paid the price on the cross for us so that we could be redeemed. Not so we could go and sin anytime we wanted and never repent. But so that we could grow, change, and learn to be more like Him. I don't know about anyone else, but each time I have fallen-I have learned something from it. We are not meant to be perfect, we are simply meant to commune with God, learn from Him, and do His will on the Earth. When we don't get it quite right, we need to ask God what He wanted us to see about ourselves through that situation and how we can grow from it.

And we have heard the phrase "Jesus paid it all" so many times that I think we forget what that actually means. He paid for ALL of it. Not just the "big sins" as we call them, but the little ones that matter just as much. When we are impatient, rude, gossipy, self-serving. When we talk too much, pray too little, and can't seem to figure out why things aren't turning out right. He paid for that. His blood was shed so that we could be MORE than what we were when He found us. So, each time that you "fail" Him, ask Him to change your heart, so that next time you can handle the situation the way that He would. Always heed the conviction of the Holy Spirit, but never allow the devil to have a field day with you when you mess up. 

And be grateful that you are walking with the Lord, and that He is causing the Holy Spirit to convict you. Some people have ignored that voice so many times that they no longer hear it, or it is very faint.

Lately God has been showing me so many things that I thought were right, that were very wrong. I saw faith and salvation as so "black and white", cut and dried. I thought I understood the way the Lord thinks, but how could I? His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts. He doesn't spend so much time worrying about how I mess up or how often. He is more concerned with how I handle my mistakes and what I do afterward. Do I allow Him to show me a better way or do I continue trying to do it all myself? And I used to think that when I made a mistake I was so far away from God, but now I see that He often draws me closer during those times. So that He can reprove, rebuke, exhort....so that He can teach me a better way. Those are the moments when we are convicted and humbled, more ready to listen and much easier to teach.

Nothing Much

Nothing much to report except wonderful, busy life. I have been working, working, working-which is good. We didn't have choir practice Tuesday night, but I found plenty to do to keep me busy. Yesterday I had a lot of errands to run after work, and by the time I got Hannah home she was running a fever. So, we both missed church last night. I really think she is cutting her 1 year molars. She has been cranky and tired for a couple of days, and just seems agitated like she is in pain. She is also gnawing on everything and drooling a lot. Poor baby. I checked her temp before leaving for work today though, and it was normal. Tonight we are supposed to be having dinner with the Villelas, if Hannah is feeling up to it. And this weekend we really don't have anything planned.....yay! :) I love weekends like that, because we hardly ever have them. Happy Friday Eve, all!

Thankful

It's Tuesday Monday, the best kind of beginning to a week. I want to post a Thankfuls list because I am totally overwhelmed by what the Lord is doing in my life. The Scripture about God pouring out blessings that there would not be room enough to contain? It came to me this morning because that is what He is doing. And I am so glad about that, since I have felt like I was walking around in a fog lately.

1. Friends....friends...friends....they are such a blessing to my life!
2. Meals prepared for us or bought for us....overwhelming number of those lately!
3. Groceries being bought for us.
4. My husband....he is so good to me and Hannah.
5. Our extended family that is so full of wonderful people.
6. Getting to go to the movies last night and see something I really wanted to see.
7. Hannah's new personality traits that are emerging....some funny and some challenging. I love Motherhood! :)
8. TONS of sub jobs I have been getting lately.
9. Getting to see Laura last week....I miss her so much.
10. Revival is coming up next week.
11. God is teaching me so many things about myself, life, love, being a wife and mother, being a leader in our church, being His servant. He is totally rockin' my world right now and I just pray that He never stops speaking to me the way He is right now. It's so awesome!
12. The overwhelming sense of security I have in knowing who holds tomorrow.
13. The Valentine's Banquet was a success, and I am so grateful to God for that. We blessed and served our church people, and raised some money for our students in the process.
14. We had a wonderful Valentine's weekend.

Brother Scott

I don't know if it's the weather...or what. But I can't stop thinking today. Thinking, thinking, thinking. Maybe it's because I saw Laura last night. Or if it's that I have time to think, because I am home today. Scott and Laura both just will not leave my mind. I cried as I drove home last night because I was still looking for him at church. Then I felt guilty because I am sure that Laura struggles with that evey moment of every day. I have never taken someone's death so hard....ever. But his passing represents so many things for me. He represented my youth-not that I am an old woman by any means. But the times of being a student in a youth ministry are over. He represented some of the most amazing times of praise and worship I have ever experienced. He was there when I finally decided to get real about God as a young person. He was so much of the reason that I had the desire to do that.

I remember songs he sang, words he preached, things he said to me, times when he made me laugh (TONS of those). I always wanted an older brother, and since Scott was so close to my age, he couldn't really be a "father figure" to me. (Even though many times he was). But he most certainly felt like a brother to me. I think that's why I always called him "Brother Scott", because he was my spiritual brother-and not in name only. He was a friend, a confidante, a prayer warrior, a counselor, a leader. He was my "wake-up call" when I was headed in the wrong direction. So decisions I made I would ask myself "What would Brother Scott think about this?". Of course what God thought came into play, but sometimes it's easier to have a person in your life to be your "moral compass", especially as a young person. I felt accountable to him, but I never felt that he judged me. He taught me what it meant to love as Christ loves the church, how to be a true disciple of Christ, how to "live out loud" for God. I thank God for his influence on my life. I am so glad that I knew him. It's just so hard to say goodbye to him.

To Have That Kind Of Courage

I am thinking of the Harvells alot today. Tears stung my eyes this morning as I thought back to the day that we travelled to Tifton for Scott's funeral. That was one of the most horrible days of my life. I felt literally sick as we got closer to the campgrounds, and I actually wondered if I was going to be able to get out of the car and walk into the tabernacle. Horrible. My heart was so broken over what I felt were promises broken....by God....to us. I have reconciled all of that since, with the help of the Holy Spirit.

And now I am still reflecting on Scott and how special he was. With how he lived his life....fearless, strong, full of faith, kind, compassionate, loving. He was one of the most wonderful people I have ever known, and will always (along with his amazing wife Laura) remain the most precious "hero of the faith" I have been privileged to call my friend. And I think about how hard it must have been for him to suffer so much. Yet he still believed with all of his heart that God could (and would) heal him. To have that kind of courage, that kind of faith.....well, one can only hope to be half of what he was. :)

And speaking of courage, my heart aches today as I think about Laura. She has been so strong, so full of faith, so full of praise to God. She believes that He will take care of her, and so do I. But I cannot imagine what she must be feeling right now.....as she walks this road of life without her husband. How difficult and painful that must be. Her whole life changed in that one moment when Scott's spirit slipped away. I think about how difficult the day of the funeral was for all of us-but with the exception of Scott's parents-Laura was the one who had the true heartache that day. And I am sure she is still carrying it with her....everywhere she goes, every day when she wakes up, with every breath and every thought. To have her faith and her courage....it just blows my mind. I am so proud of her for how she has held up through all of this. I am inspired by her, just like I was inspired by her husband so many times.

I think that this post was more therapy for me than anything else. I am just so heavily burdened for Laura and Anslie, and still so sad that Scott is gone. I needed to post this and get these things off my mind and my heart. But if you are reading this, and maybe you know Laura (or maybe you don't)-say a prayer for her, please. It would mean so much to me. God bless you.

Post-Edit Note

The only thing I have figured out so far is that if you go to my archives on the left side, and then click the title of the individual blog post, you can scroll up and down on that post. So, if you really wanna read what I am writing-you can do it that way until I figure out something else. Thanks!

Am I Alive, Am I On Purpose?

My head is spinning right now with SO MUCH. First things first though, I can't scroll up and down on my blog to read older posts, which means neither can anyone else. If you can help me with that, please let me know! There was what looked to be an open door for me last week in the job situation, but then it seemed to close. Somehow though, I didn't fall apart when that happened. Maybe I am growing, learning, gaining more faith from all of this? Maybe.

Now I am just putting my name and face out there wherever I can. Making my certification known to administrators and just waiting for my time to come. Someone, somewhere is going to see my potential. I will find favor somewhere, and God will grant this desire of my heart. I know that for sure, but with that comes my least favorite part-the waiting.

While I have the time, while I wait-I am looking deeper into my spiritual life. Why I do the things I do, how I could do things better, places where I have focused on myself and not on others. Times when God wanted to come in and do things, but I thought I had it under control....ever been there? So now I am trying to open up my world to Him and let Him come in and make my life what He wanted it to be in the first place. Like we are supposed to do anyway. Where did I miss that Scripture?

At the same time though, my faith is being stretched MORE THAN EVER! There was a time very recently when I felt very alone, very betrayed, and hurt with God. I felt like He had let me down and left me out in the cold. I wondered what good faith and prayer were when it seemed He didn't answer anyway. But the beautiful part about this was, Satan meant to destroy me with that thinking pattern. He meant for me lose all hope and turn away from God. But God took that doubt, fear, and pain..and He turned it around. He strengthened my faith even more, and showed me that what I was going through is what faith is really all about. To believe in Him when I can't see Him, can't hear Him, sometimes can't even feel Him. That's where we end and He begins, because faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things NOT seen. I may not be teaching right now, but I will be again. Scott may be gone from my sight for now, but I will see him again. Finances may look hopeless and bleak right now, but the Lord continues to provide.

So, I am trusting in Him to meet every single need in my life. I am not trying to do this in my power anymore, I am allowing Him to work things out for my good. And though people may not understand, I am going to continue to lean on God and listen to Him, and allow Him to order my steps.

Walking, stumbling

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing, less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day

There's distraction buzzing in my ear
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
I've heard rumors of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things

When the world is falling out from under me
I'll be found in You still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in You

So, this morning was hard. I had a dream last night that I was heading to Scott's funeral....again. That was....not cool. I will just say it that way. This left me feeling kinda out of it this morning. But, this has been a great couple of days. I can see God beginning to move in my difficult situations, and I feel my faith beginning to rise again. Of course this means an attack will come. I will have to finish this post later....duty calls.

Hosanna

I see the King of Glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole Earth shakes, the Earth shakes
I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation rising up to take their place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

This is all I want for my life right now....the last day revival that Scott lived and prayed for, and the return of our King. These are my heart's desires. Has it really been a week since he left us? I miss him a lot.

Thursday

It is very painful to blog right now, because there are too many hurts too deep to go into at the moment. Plus, I just don't seem to have ANY time to sit down and do so. Because of this, I am going to go back to the Thankfuls lists for awhile. That way, at least I am blogging something for the people who actually read this thing. :) And the Thankfuls lists help to look on the bright side of things.

1. Wonderful package that came yesterday with gifts for Hannah and a special gift for Daniel and I.
2. Tomorrow is Friday.
3. My baby girl will be 1 year old tomorrow!
4. Hannah's birthday bash is Saturday, and lots of special people are coming to celebrate this important day with us!
5. Scott's funeral-though painful-was also beautiful, spiritual, and refreshing.
6. God is doing something in me.....I know it, I feel it, I anticipate it.
7. I have PRECIOUS friends who have held me up during this painful week.
8. God has given me the gift of singing, and I feel so close to Him when I do that.
9. I have a wonderful husband.....I am praying that we have a chance to spend some "couple time" soon...I miss him.
10. Our church is fasting and praying in anticipation of "going to another level" in God. We can't wait for Him to pour out His spirit on us!

Our Hope Endures

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain
Our joy at a good man's wake
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient

We never walk alone
This is our hope
Our hope endures, the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

. Send "Our Hope Endures" Ringtone to your Cell .

Thinking Back

As I pray for the Harvells today, I am just thinking back on all the times they were there for me. All of the times that they "brought me up higher" spiritually speaking. When I was faltering, they were always there with a word of encouragement and a little something to show me that there was more to life than what I was living for at that moment. They are the type of Christians that we ALL are supposed to be. The kind of Christians that make other people want what we have. Even in their darkest hour, they still inspire me.

To Scott....thank you for all the times that your passion for Christ re-ignited a passion in me. Thank you for all the times that you spoke words of life into our youth group. Thank you for always following the Spirit in your ministry. Thank you for being a real, honest, true, passionate, longsuffering, compassionate follower of Christ. I love and miss you so much, and can't wait to see God gettin' His glory when all of this is over for you. I am standing in the gap for you, praying for you now when you can't pray for yourself. And thanks for all the times I know you have stood in the gap for me. You are a true disciple of Christ, and I am honored to call you my friend.

To Laura....you are the kind of woman, wife, and mother I strive every day to be. Your commitment to God and your family inspire me. Your steadfast faith and trust in God speak volumes to the rest of us. You are uncompromising, strong, and beautiful. I look forward to hearing you tell the story of victory when you are on the other side of this battle. I am praying for you as you have prayed for me so many times. Thank you for being a friend, confidante, and true example of what a Christian woman should be. You and Scott both are heroes in my eyes.

To Anslie....you have a spiritual beauty and anointing that far exceeds your years. The difference you made in my life is still being seen today. I pray that God will restore unto your family every moment that the devil has stolen through your Daddy's sickness. I am so proud of your strength, and the purpose that you live out each day as you bless the people around you with your sweet spirit.

I love you, Harvell family. I am standing with you.

Breath of Heaven

I have been a little slack on the blogging. This is partly because I took a little "Internet break".

This was partly because school started back this week, and I have been busy.
And it was partly because, I am struggling and wasn't sure what I wanted to write about.
But, then it happened. Yesterday. The breath of Heaven brushed my face in such a beautiful way, I cannot describe it to you. But, I will try. I was working yesterday....can't say where or what age or anything else because of the privacy issues with teachers/students. But I can tell you about this little person. We will call him "D". He is blind. At first, I was a little taken aback. I have never worked with a child who cannot see. As I watched him though, I realized that he was beautiful. I could feel his little heart and his spirit, and it blessed me so much. I had never worked with him before, but something in him responded to something in me....and he couldn't stay away from me. He would come up and take my hands and play with my fingers and my rings. He pulled my hands onto his chest and held them there and smiled.

I was singing a song with one of the other kids, and "D" came over and took my hand and smiled as I sang. Each time I would begin singing, he would find his way back to me....and hold my hand and listen. This may all seem inconsequential to you, but it changed something inside of me. I felt grateful. Grateful that my child has no physical difficulties, grateful that my life is what it is, and that even on my worst day-at least I can see the world around me. I don't have to "feel" my way to walk around, I can just see and walk! And grateful to work with children...to be able to meet this magnificent little person. Grateful to know that I am doing exactly what I should be going, working with children and being loved (and sometimes healed) by their little sweet souls!

Thank You, Lord for breathing life into me on a very difficult day. I needed that so much, I needed You. And You were there.